Blitzed for the Holidays: White Elephant Party

16 Dec

[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

White Elephant Parties

“One of my close associates invited me to a holiday party last week, and after I had already said “Fuck and yes” he told me it was a White Elephant party.  He asked if I was cool with that, and I said ‘Yeah, man, are you cool?’ and then my minutes ran out so I couldn’t much more details beyond the time and place.

I go on living my life, then the day of the party comes and I get dressed up in my holiday attire, vest and everything, and hop in the IROC.  Now, I know I haven’t been the best party guest in the past, and I wanted to change that this time, so I stopped off at Heems’ place on the way over to pick up some White Elephant and ensure that I wouldn’t be coming over empty-handed.  No freeloadin’ here.  The party was across town, and I got stuck in traffic leaving from Heems’, making me about 45 minutes late.  I didn’t want to be left out when I got there, so I took my share of the Elephant on the way and was pretty tusked up by the time I walked in to the party, if you know what I mean. [Ed.’s note: We don’t]

So I come gliding into the party and there’s a good amount of people there, just kind of milling about.  Not as amped up as I was expecting, but I chalked that up to the early hour.  The Elephant usually starts kicking bout 2-3 hours in.  Anyways, I sidle up next to the open bar and am taking the edge off with a hot toddy when a hot little number in a cocktail dress and reindeer antlers walks over.  I introduce myself and we get to talking, not sure how long we’re there for but sooner or later the host calls out for everyone to start the White Elephant in the living room.  Well shit, I think, here I went and got a head start on everyone, and as I’m pulling my bag of extras out, everyone moves into the side room and sits down around a table of presents.  At this point I was starting to lose feeling in my legs, so I just went with it and sat on down next to Reindeer Antlers, who was getting friendlier with the minute.

Well I’m sitting there for a bit, trying to keep my head on my shoulders, if you dig me, while people are drawing numbers and taking presents off the table.  I wanted to keep my status as a good guest going, so I tossed my Elephant bag right in there and sat back to play hungry eyes with my new lady pal, who, combined with the good ol’ WE, had managed to get me standing at full attention.

At some point, Reindeer notices the third guest in our private party, and gives me a nod towards the bathroom ’round the corner.  I may be some things, but I’m not stupid and I crouch-walked my way out of the living room and we got the fun started over the bathroom sink.  Pretty soon after the pants came down, I finally lost the battle with the Elephant and had one of those patented love blackouts.  She must have felt the love too, because we were both hooting and hollering up a damn storm, drawing a crowd that included her husband, who kicked down the door and collared me up, yelling about What the Hell Was Going On.  Reindeer responded, Why Don’t You Go Ask Your Tim Tebow Highlight Reel, and this little interchange allowed me to roll my way down the hall and right out to the bar, where I grabbed a Schlitz to go and took my leave of the party.  Never did get to find out what the hell was going on with those White Elephant presents, but my personal Elephant at least had enough kick left for my power sprint back home.”


4 Responses to “Blitzed for the Holidays: White Elephant Party”


  1. On Bended Knee: Band or DJ? « Dan Swanky's - December 19, 2011

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    […] from the Ferris Wheel.  One of the Baker Bros also handed me a fresh beer, which he said was White Elephant brew.  He winked as he said this, but I figured what the hell and polished it off before heading […]

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