Blitzed For The Holidays: Elf

22 Dec

[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

Elf

“I learned the hard way that what’s funny for big Will Ferrell isn’t funny for everyone.  This is especially true when it comes to dressing up as a human-sized elf and trying to spread the spirit of Christmas to all of the tight-assed party crashers out there.  Basically, I was visiting my big bro and my niece and nephew, both of them circa 8 years old, and both are awesome little dudes.  They love Uncle [name redacted] as well, and to give them a great holiday treat a couple years back, I rigged up a green suit and dressed up as Elf from one of their favorite movies, Elf.

If you know me, you know I don’t do anything halfways, so as soon as I got those green leggings on, I tapped into everything I’d learned down at the Community College acting class, and resolved to become Buddy the Elf for the next few hours.  I took a page out of the books of some of the great actors of the day, and helped myself get into the mind of my character by taking down about 3 flasks of Rumple Minze, which, combined with the 10 repeat viewings of “Elf” the day before, definitely did the trick.

So once I get my Elf rig on and my mindset right, I go to surprise my two favorite relatives and their parents at the Ice Rink downtown.  They were having some family outing or something, I dunno, and they were all super pumped when they saw me.  I started spouting some patented Elf lines (What’s your favorite color!) while the kids jumped for joy, and my bro played right along, asking me “What the Hell are you doing and where are your pants” like the grumpy old dad in the movie.  By this point, I had fully inhabited the Elf character, so I told the kids to follow me as I took off sprinting towards the North Pole Village, set up next to the Rink.

As soon as I saw the Santa Claus guy on his little chair, I did my best Ferrell “Santa!” yell and ran up to hop on his lap.  I landed right on the guy and he must not have been ready for me, because he let out a little yelp and we both tumbled through the backdrop behind his chair, rolling through a bunch of shoppers waiting in line.  Before I could look to see if my niece and nephew were watching this great piece of improv, Fake Santa was tazing me and yelling for security.  Luckily, this was some little dime store taser, and with the mix of adrenaline and Rumple Minze, I shook it off and, in a rare slip of character that still disappoints me today, socked him right in the face.

Turned out Fake Santa had a chin on him, and we traded blows for a few minutes as a crowd gathered and cheered us on.  The police stepped in right about the time I pulled Fake Santa’s red jacket over his head and punched him clean out of it, and before I knew it, I was face down with cuffs on.

Luckily, my bro stepped in and helped bail me out, and I did a great Buddy Christmas Carol rendition on our way back home from the station.  Fake Santa and I made our amends, and we’re drinking buddies now, we even split the $8,000 in damages those miserly North Pole owners charged.  I put the Elf character away, but have been working on some new material lately, so fingers crossed.”

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One Response to “Blitzed For The Holidays: Elf”

  1. Santas Helper December 22, 2011 at 4:24 am #

    Santa!!! Pretty usual reaction when ice rinks and Rumpleminz make an appearance, but usually a lot more Apollo Ohno!!!

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