Blitzed For The Holidays: Holiday Sale Shopping

31 Dec

[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

Holiday Sale Shopping

“A perfect storm of necessity and thriftiness came together to lead me to the downtown Macy’s yesterday.  I’d been getting a big earful of all the post-Xmas sales going on, and I was itching to get a big ‘statement-making’ number for the New Year’s Eve bash going on in a couple days.  So I hopped on my trusty trike and cruised downtown to see what treasures awaited on the sales racks.  As I got down towards the stores, I realized too late that I was heading to the heart of the post-holiday shopping clusterfuck bonanza.  Now, I’m about the most social guy you could ever hope to meet, but ever since a few unfortunate county fair incidents a couple years back, I’ve had some trouble keeping my cool in crowds.  As I parked my trike in the store’s garage and realized what kind of deal-crazed group I was facing, I reached for my Emergency Anxiety Kit I keep with me everywhere I go.  A few puffs and several pulls later, I was back to balanced out and feelin’ like my good self as I sauntered over the sky-bridge and into the breach.

The first section I came to was Women’s Delicates, and before I realized it, I was swimming in a sea of pink satin and hard bods, and I was having trouble telling which way was up.  Now, I had already bought some lacy gifts for the girlfriends the week before (and they loved ’em) but that Anxiety Kit had me feeling sporty and I couldn’t help but ask the beautiful blonde salesperson if there was anyone helping her pick out something that she liked.  She looked ready to give me the go-ahead when she was pulled away by a stern looking couple inquiring about a Her’s and Her’s sale.  I made a mental note to come back later, and continued on down the escalator to the Men’s Section, which was currently under siege by an assortment of determined moms and wives.  I wasn’t sure exactly what kind of outfit I was looking for to bring in the New Year, but I had the word ‘dazzle’ in mind, so I took a deep breath and plunged in to see what I could find.  After a few minutes of slamdancing in the formal wear section, I saw a sparkle-studded plaid Ed Hardy number with matching dragon pants, and knew that my search was complete.

As I reached for my prize,  a husky voice behind me told me to Leave it, those are for My Man.  Keeping a firm grip on the clothes, I turned to face my combatant and saw a short 20something lady with a pierced nose and a heavy scowl.  I told her Better Luck Next Year and began to jostle over to the cashier, fearing that my Anxiety Kit was beginning to wear off.  I had almost gotten home free when I felt a vise grip around my ankle and what can only be described as a low growl.  Before I knew it, my feet were out from under me and I was face down on the ground, getting kicked out by Nose Piercing and her entourage, demanding that I give the clothes up.  No Anxiety Kit could stand up to this, and I blacked out for a second before yelling NOT TODAY and CT-walked my way over to the cashier with Nose Piercing on my back.  She finally rolled off when my purchase was complete, and told me to watch myself as security took care of it.  Bloodied but victorious, I headed back to the trike, but not before putting the studded sparkles on and getting Lingerie’s number.  This New Year’s Eve is going to be coming in hot.”

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