2012 To The Max

16 Jan

With 2011 more than two weeks in the rear-view it is time to face reality and analyze our survival chances for 2012. It is true that an impending apocalypse threatens the status quo unlike ever before, but what if a doomsday scenario is the least of our worries? Nobody is certain what will really happen, but that doesn’t stop scholars from fantasizing about alien invasions and the collapse of human civilization. With these facts in mind, 2012 seems like the perfect year to stash the Atari, put on some pants, and head outside to enjoy some paid time off.

It is common knowledge that Tom Cruise likes to splurge on nice things, but what about Joe Schmoe as he anticipates the end of days? Here are three suggestions to spark the firestorm of decadence that will be 2012:

1) Redeem those credit card offers and start maxing out like there is no tomorrow. Exotic furs? Original Van Gogh? 15-day rave in Ibiza? Nothing screams irony like material possessions in the afterlife, so get to it.

2) In the scenario that a catastrophic event does occur, the only record of human civilization will be the internet archive shot into space. Don’t be the last one on your block without a personal YouTube channel. Record yourself singing love ballads, showing off your collection of Hello Kitty gear or just talking Farmville strategy with your faithful followers. If the world doesn’t end, you now have a mildly lucrative side gig that will keep you off the streets and ensure your digital fame for eternity.

3) The final step is more of a security precaution, but to the right people, it is the ultimate treat. Head down to your local animal shelter and adopt some cats, selecting the fiercest kittens from multiple litters. Raise these beasts as your own while training them in modern combat technique, negotiations, and stealth. When weaned off the leash, this feline crew will have your back indefinitely.

When followed strictly, the formula above will net maximum pleasure and hopefully will tip the scales in 2012’s favor.

Disclaimer: We are not registered financial professionals. The strategies above carry a certain level of risk that may result in physical and financial ruin. Please consult your local financial professional, or Shaman, for additional considerations before attempting to treat yourself.

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