Super Bowl Cheat Sheet II

2 Feb

[We continue our guide for how to throw the Super Bowl Party that will elevate your social status to dizzying heights]  

Cheat Sheet I

4.  You are what you eat.

There isn’t typically a straightforward meal associated with Super Bowl Sunday, but food is an absolute necessity at whatever kind of party you throw.  When deciding on your culinary gameplan, make sure you know what the effect your dishes will have on the party’s atmosphere.  If you just put out some chips and salsa and call it a day, you might as well just slap your guests in the face as they walk in.

For your heavy-partying guests, the nuances of flavors aren’t going to make a big difference – Big Kyle isn’t going to taste the slight hint of mango chutney in the buffalo wing he’s inhaling between beers, so don’t waste your time trying to be fancy.  Just put out your standard foods that soak up the alcohol, and which can’t be thrown easily across the room.

On the other hand, when you’re having a nicer get-together and possibly looking to impress some potential bosses or lovers (or both), you should show off your refined tastes with items like handmade guac or a cheese spread straight from France.  Make sure you make a lot of loud comments about how you made snacks with ingredients from your urban garden, and that you can’t imagine not eating locally sourced food anymore.  It will make hearts race and pulses quicken.

Steed Says:  I used to always bring my own dish to Super Bowl parties, to show that I was a good guest and also as sort of an advance peace offering to make up for the tomfoolery that often ensued.  I changed that habit after last year’s game, though, due to a little brownie incident.  I was running late for a party at my sister-in-law’s family’s house, and didn’t have time to make anything fancy, so I grabbed a fresh dish of brownies that I had made a couple of days before.  I have a problem with forgetting things sometimes, and this time I forgot that I added about $80 worth of the finest bud to this particular brownie mix before baking.  

Well, I got to the party and thought nothing of it as the brownies were passed around, even grabbing one myself.  Things were fine until halftime, when my father-in-law Bud suddenly jumped up and ran out of the house, yelling about the “robots on the tube.”  We just thought he was being an Old about the Black Eyed Peas, but then several other people became transfixed with a particularly soft chair in the room, and my mother-in-law tried to take a bat to the TV, to get that “long-haired Ferguson guy out of my house.”  

By the end of the game, several people were refusing to put their clothes back on, and a particularly nosy off-duty cop had indicated my brownies as the culprit.  I wasn’t invited back, and had to buy them a new TV.

5.  Keep the party rocking.

Good music is a fundamental part of any party worth going to, so make sure your tunes are on point for Sunday.  You’ll definitely want to have appropriate music cued up and ready for the pre-game festivities and halftime – the halftime show should only be shown on mute, if at all.

For the pre-game, we suggest something inspiring that gets the party juices flowing for your guests.  At a classy party, maybe throw on the soundtrack to Braveheart or a similar movie – it will be inspirational and could pass for modern classical if people don’t listen too closely.  At a Party party, you can’t go wrong with something along the lines of Appetite For Destruction or Van Halen II, although this could lead to massive rounds of shotgunning, so watch your carpet.

During halftime, you want the music to keep the party energy from lagging, so it’s crucial that you throw on a good mix of upbeat crowd favorites.  For the indie parties, toss on your LCD Soundsystem mix and then make sure that cute girl knows you’ve been listening to them “forever.”  If you put on any Skrillex during halftime, you better be sure that most of the people at your party are already browning out, and that they’re predominantly frat dudes.  Otherwise, Don’t.

Steed Says:  I’m partial to a good mix of Bob Seger and Skynyrd for most of my party activities, but I’ll pretty much get down to anything with a solid rhythm section and some tasty licks.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m personally pretty pumped to see what the Material Girl busts out for the halftime show this year.  I’ve had a Madonna pinup in every apartment I’ve owned since ’88, and if anything, I think she’s gotten better with age.  

I went on a two-day bender a couple years back when her and Guy Ritchie split – I felt real bad for her personally, but she was once again an available woman.   I couldn’t deal with all the conflicting emotions and sort of lost self-control for a bit.  But anyways, I’m holding off from the shots of Jag during the first half this year, just so I can be coherent for the big halftime show.  Can’t wait.

6.  A little bit of action on the side never hurts.

The Super Bowl is one of the few times of the year where the general public will acknowledge and celebrate the massive enterprise that is sports gambling, so it would be a good idea to keep your guests entertained with some wagering options.  There are the standard Super Bowl Squares games, along with the straightforward bets on the game outcome, but you should look to set your party apart by incorporating some unique gambling ventures tailored to your guests.

If you’re throwing a rowdy party, eschew the game entirely and encourage the partygoers to wager wildly on drinking games among each other.  Nothing gets the energy up like a little competition in games like quarters or Fuck You, Friend. Just make sure you keep an eye on things, because you don’t want a fistfight breaking out – unless it’s in a homemade boxing ring in your backyard and you’ve got action going on both sides.

If you’re trying to impress with the classy party, you might want to keep the high-stakes gambling under the table.  Unless your boss is known to love the ponies, and if that’s the case, go crazy.

Steed Says:  Love the gambling aspect of the Big Game, but just be careful because it can get out of hand very quickly.  A couple of years ago for the Giants-Pats game, I was under the assumption that I had placed a huge bet on the Giants with my bookie Tobias.  As the Giants fought their way to a victory, I was losing my shit, thinking I had a few grand coming my way.  

Right after the victory was sealed, I proceeded to round everyone up for an after-party at Shooters, where I bought several rounds of Washington Apple shots before bringing back two lovely ladies to my place for a nightcap.  By the time I passed out, I had purchased a king-size water bed, three round-trip to tickets to Hedonism in Jamaica, and a mini Escalade to putt around the house in – dropping cash for everything because I knew I was going to get it back from Tobias.  

The next day, I woke up to Tobias pounding on the door, holding my scrawled ticket for the Patriots that I had made while under the influence of several ‘luudes.  Hedonism was a good time, but I ended up having to take out three credit cards for the tickets.


One Response to “Super Bowl Cheat Sheet II”


  1. Super Bowl Cheat Sheet I « Dan Swanky's - February 5, 2012

    […] learning with Cheat Sheet II Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this […]

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