On Bended Knee: Stag Festival

21 Feb

The mild frustration experienced by most men when faced with another engagement announcement on their Facebook news feed is not driven by anger or jealousy, but because they now have to scroll a bit further to find those new Cancun photos from their sister’s best friend’s college spring break. This indifference to weddings is a derivative of Bro culture’s loud techno beat of a message that forbids thinking of anything other than beach time and Gilt.com sales. However, the secret manly thrill of a wedding announcement appears in the form of what is known to many as a bachelor party and experienced by few as a stag festival.

The dotted line that separates a bachelor party from a stag festival is best walked sober, teased while buzzed and then crossed while fully intoxicated. Historically, these nights end at the intersection of camaraderie and foolishness, with little room for negotiations.  It is all about inner reflection (hallucinogenics), fasting (beer and red meat), and finally psychotherapy sessions with those friends who are closest to you (drunk wrestling). To plan a stag festival that rivals the barn-burner your Grandpa hosted in 1954, check out the tips below.

1) Location

Just as the dimensions of an art canvas dictate the magnitude of the final masterpiece, the location of a stag festival sets the final temperature of the celebration. Be it a wet and wild weekend in the Keys or a secluded wilderness retreat, some factors should be noted before selecting a locale.

  • Choose a mild weathered environment. A great portion of all stag festivals should occur in the outdoors, be that a dance patio or a bonfire, and unplanned bouts of hypothermia dampen any celebration. Nice weather also means that the deep-V and sleeveless shirt crowd can continue to define fashion for the rest of the crew.
  • Proximity to emergency services. To a sober 26 year-old, a 5ft tall bonfire is only a novelty. But, after a few wine coolers and a dip into the party favor bag, this same fire becomes a dance partner that won’t quit.

2) Activities

A bachelor party without bare skin is like a Baseball game without the boredom. No matter what the groom says, there must always be temptation. Now, before our female audience starts with the scathing letter’s to the editor, Dan Swanky’s is only offering tips, not unzipping your fiance’s pants. With that in mind, put whatever spin you would like on these PG-13 rated suggestions:

  • For those who have pockets as deep as the Marianas Trench, it isn’t that big of a stretch to try and replicate The Hangover. The places and people involved are less important than the utter insanity and arrests that will inevitably occur. The worst thing that can happen is that someone documents the event in real-time, so it is important to confiscate all media devices. Additionally, block off at least 2-3 days for an event of this magnitude, leaving enough time to make amends with the County Judge.
  • The classic poker night can be a great activity for a Stag Festival.  The classic poker night, when the balding 54-year old card dealer is replaced with a nude 23-year old card diva, can be a great activity for a Stag Festival. Also hire a “chef” of similar persuasion as your “card dealer” to deliver snacks and drinks throughout the evening. Unlike last year’s corporate retreat, this is the perfect opportunity to mix gambling, alcohol and high brow sexual harassment.

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