Letters From Lyle

24 Feb

All of us feint and parry with new adulthood in different ways, and for some, that involves staying in the warm embrace of the parental household until the mid-20’s.  When you’re finally ready (or when Dad’s tired of you blacking out on his $700 Scotch) it is a momentous occasion, filled with peaks and valleys of emotion.  Our friend Lyle is currently beginning such a move, taking the carpool lane straight from his parent’s basement to his own place.  We asked him to write us with updates and reflections, like a Lewis & Clark of the YA set.  His dispatches are presented here, somewhat uncensored.  This is real.

A Brand New Day For a Bold Young Man


Dear Dan,

Cheers to new beginnings, my friends. The only thing scarier than leaving the nest is perhaps never leaving the nest at all. But in less than a weeks’ time, I will embark on the epic journey of relocating all of my belongings to a place that, for the first time in my life, I can actually call my own.  [Editor’s note: read “my own” as Mr. Gans’ newest investment]

I already know what you all are thinking, “But Ly, why would you leave behind a life of zero bills, endless amenities and an IP address that has been tracked more times than Guppys.com?”

Don’t get me wrong, as much as I love coming home to a mother that has so ritualistically burrowed herself into my private life that she’s chosen my last four girlfriends, I think I’ll take my chances on the outside world. A world where empty Zima bottles will be lined up as far as the eye can see, and personal bleeze day will no longer be a figment of my imagination.  [Ed.’s note:  These have never been figments of his imagination, unless this is Inception and he’s everyone’s Leo]

Can I guarantee success and personal independence? No. But can I sleep in the same bed as my girlfriend without my dad in the other room asking both of us to keep clapping our hands so he knows it’s PG?   Hell yes. Chances are that I will succeed and never have to look back. And even if I don’t, ah, who cares… push a cat off a ledge and it will always land on its feet.  Life is all about taking chances and new opportunities.

Pandas are real, politics blow, and Dan Swanky’s rules.  I’m out this bitch.


Warmest Regards,

Lyle Gans



One Response to “Letters From Lyle”


  1. Letters From Lyle | Dan Swanky's - April 8, 2012

    […] Clark of the YA set.  His dispatches are presented here, somewhat uncensored.  Earlier letters: One, […]

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