Letters From Lyle

7 Apr

All of us feint and parry with new adulthood in different ways, and for some, that involves staying in the warm embrace of the parental household until the mid-20′s.  When you’re finally ready (or when Dad’s tired of you blacking out on his $700 Scotch) it is a momentous occasion, filled with peaks and valleys of emotion.  Our friend Lyle is currently beginning such a move, taking the carpool lane straight from his parent’s basement to his own place.  We asked him to write us with updates and reflections, like a Lewis & Clark of the YA set.  His dispatches are presented here, somewhat uncensored.  Earlier letters: One, Two.

[Note: The photo above is a dramatization and is not the actual Lyle and Panda.  They are much sexier.]

Separation Anxiety

Dear Dan,

Good sirs.  It has been one hot month since I broke the seal and ventured out into this big bad world we call adult independence.  I gotta say, it was a bit touch and go at first.  But I have warmed up quite a bit, and am now rocking the quarter-hundo young adult lifestyle at full-speed.  Like I was born to do it.

When it comes down to it, it’s the little pieces of freedom during the day that I am loving the most.  Y’know – like having a pants-free sandwich on the couch without getting that look of pure judgment from Dad.  Smoking my medicine without having to run the shower and then blow the smoke out through fabric softener sheets.  Pushing the levels up on my progressive House mixes and Untz Untz Untzing without Mom losing her shit.  Just doing me, when I damn well please.

But speaking of Mom – there has been a little bit of turbulence from the new lifestyle that I wasn’t totally expecting.  Namely with the mother.  There’s been what Panda [Ed.’s Note: Again, Lyle’s pet name for his girlfriend is Panda] has been calling ‘separation anxiety’ between me and Mom.

Basically, I’ve been stationed out of home base pretty much my whole life.  I went to college only 20 minutes away, and even though I lived at school, I’d usually stay at home a couple nights during the week to get some detox and chocolate milk.  And then when I graduated, I just slipped right back into my basement palace.  So being out of the house for good has been a bit of a shock for everyone.

Over here at HQ, my problems with the new separation kind of came to a head all at once two days ago.  Things had been simmering for awhile with Mom, and Panda had been getting the worst of it from both sides.  From my mother, it had been in the form of twice-daily phone calls to check in on me – if Panda answered the phone there would just be icy silence on the other end until I finally came and picked it up.  And this has also been paired with several unannounced ‘drop-ins’ by Mom – because she was usually armed with some General Tsao’s Chicken or my fresh drycleaning, I wasn’t complaining about these at all.  But Panda was never in a good mood after one of these visits, and this most recent drop-in happened to come right after I had mentioned that Panda’s chili didn’t have the same snap that I was used to.

Right after I had dropped that piece of info, the doorbell rang and Panda opened it to find my Mom standing there with some of my now-clean dress shirts.  To say shit hit the fan, my friends, is doing the verbal sparring that ensued between these two lovely women a disservice.  I kept my distance as they went back and forth about who really knows what’s best for me, and when it finally seemed as though all the venom had quieted down, I did my best to clear the air.

I told Mom that I would always be her Little Man, but that she was going to have to let me do some of my own things now.  And I told Panda that I loved both of them equally as much, and that there was room for two women in this heart.  By the end, we were all a bit wet-eyed, and all was good on both homefronts once again.  Growing up ain’t easy, you know?  But if I can survive stuff like this, I’ll be all good.  Until next time dudes.


Warmest Regards,

Lyle Gans


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