Archive | July, 2012

Personal Soundtrack

31 Jul

 

The Song

Sixteen by Rick Ross feat. Andre 3000

One of the reasons that Rick Ross has been able to build a devoted following among hip-hop fans is that he often pairs his bombastic, drug-game swagger with personal flair that can’t usually be described as weird, but is at least firmly in the ‘eccentric’ category.  The husky rapper can take on the persona of an imposing menace in many of his songs, to be sure, but there is definitely a creative and unique streak under all those diamond-studded chains that comes out in his music.  This sets Ross apart from many other rappers who are just concerned about communicating the violent drug lord lifestyle – his creative side leads him at times to be just as artistically ambitious as he is materially ambitious.  He’s not afraid to explore some musical themes just because they don’t fit the standard conventions of a hardcore hip-hop song.  A perfect example would be the track “Sixteen,” off his new album God Forgives I Don’t.

For “Sixteen,” Rick Ross indulges his creatively weird side by reaching out to a hip-hop artist who has made his legendary name from being truly unique and unlike any one else in the rap game – Andre 3000.  To Ross’ esteemed credit, he doesn’t just bring on Three Stacks for a small guest spot.  No, Rick pretty much turns the spotlight on the Southern Spaceman, blowing the song out to nearly eight minutes and keeping only a couple minutes of lyrics to himself.

In the chorus of “Sixteen,” Andre sings about sixteen bars being not enough to fully express oneself in a song.  And after Rick warms it up for him with a few bars, Three Stacks takes full advantage of the ample song space given him with a spoken-word interlude, a free-wheeling rhyming show-off session, and an improvisational little guitar solo.  The rhymes hop from crayon-scrawled LL Cool J tributes to religious questions to wine-tasting to Flipper, and it’s all done with the same dexterity and inventiveness that has long caused hip-hop fans everywhere to drop their voices an octave and layer on the reverent fondness when they say the words “Three Stacks.”  The song makes you hope yet again that another Outkast album is on its way, but at least for now, the proper amount of respect must be paid to Rick Ross for having the artistic desire to indulge Andre in a little outer-space hip-hop weirdness.

The Activity

You’re sitting in your usual spot in the back corner of the Boss’ room, your chair set back among the shadows so that you stay out of the way – but not out of the way enough that people forget you’re there.  The Boss’ large mahogany desk and high-crowned leather chair sit just to the right and front of you, so that you get a clear look at all the walks of life who come in, sit down, and have their time with the Big Guy.

If any of these aforementioned walks of life decide to indulge their death wishes and make a move at the Boss, it’s your job to put them down.  Not that the Boss seems like he needs your help.  You’ve never had to raise a hand against anyone to this point in the job, but you have a feeling that the Boss would get there first if such a situation did arise.

But anyways, you’re sitting.  It’s been a quiet night so far, and right now the Boss seems like he might be dozing slightly in his chair at this late-night hour.  You can’t tell if his eyes are open from behind the omnipresent shades.  As a muted sax solo sounds out from the jazz club that sits just behind the large oak office door, you allow yourself to relax a little bit.  It’s quiet.

Before the knock comes, you notice that the energy in the room changes just slightly.  There’s a hint of electricity that wasn’t there before – and then the light knocking comes.  It’s a faint knock, just three slight taps, followed by silence.  You glance at the Boss, who bellows out his customary Enter, and then the door swings slowly open.

The first thing to come out from behind the door is a faint cloud of smoke.  That moves and acts like some kind of smoke you’ve never seen before.  It’s not heavy, almost ethereal, and it fills the room before you even register where it’s coming from.  It’s like one second the room was clear, and the next you’re all enveloped in this weird kind of haze.  That smells faintly like incense and weed.

Following the smoke in and closing the door behind him is a man you’ve never seen before.  His hair is splayed out in a wavy Afro, under which sit a pair of cat-like eyes and a sly smile.  The man is clothed in a tight-fitting suit that looks like it’s made out of the softest material you’ve ever seen.  The first thing that comes to your mind is Plush Masterpiece.  Underneath all of this, the man is barefoot.  It takes you a second to even register this, and by that time he’s already padded his way to the Boss’ desk and perched himself on the corner.

Before you can move forward and get this newcomer off the precious desk, the Boss waves his hand once in your direction to keep you still.  You sit back, and instantly are overcome by the feeling that there is nothing to fear from this strange new figure.

The smoke continues to drift around the room as this man proceeds to pull out a large cigar from an inside pocket of his suit jacket.  The cigar is already clean-cut, and the man hands it wordlessly across the desk to the Boss.  The Boss takes it and leans forward slightly as the man produces a lighter from the same jacket pocket and deftly sparks the cigar.

As the Boss sits back in his chair taking his first puffs on this cigar, the man starts talking.  You forget the exact words he’s saying almost the instant they leave his mouth, but all you know is that the melodic, soothing voice is telling a story that is about nothing, and yet about everything at the same time.  It’s about life on this planet, and about life in the rest of the universe.  Both you and the Boss sit in rapt attention for an indistinguishable amount of time as this stranger makes his way through the story.

As the last word leaves the new man’s lips, the last bit of ash falls untouched from the Boss’ cigar and on to the floor.  The stranger stands up smoothly, nods once in your direction, and then turns and pads back out the room, closing the door quietly behind him.  The strains of a new saxophone solo reach back through the club walls as you both sit there in astonished silence.

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Summer Livin’: Fun With Water

24 Jul

Editor’s Note:  Summer Livin’ is a segment in which we ask our friend Steed to offer some words of wisdom on how to best enjoy certain staples of the summer months.  For further reason as to why this should be appointment Internet all summer long, check out the Introduction.  On to the easy livin’. 

“If you’re like me, you’ve been spending every day for the last several weeks sweatin’ something fierce.  The temps always get pretty scorching during July and August, but there’s something about this year that feels like someone cranked the Big Thermostat In The Sky just a few notches higher.  Normally I like to spend at least of few hours of the Summer Day kicked back on the front porch with a cold BLL, but at this point, even the shaded areas of the outdoors are unbearable between the hours of 9am and 6pm.  Unbearable – unless, that is, you’ve got the magic ingredient necessary to combat whatever Summer Heat can throw at you.  Water.  H2O.  Agua.  The clear stuff.

Having access to water, and a lot of it, is necessary for basic health reasons if you want to exist outdoors for long periods of time during the dog days of summer.  The benefits of water access don’t stop with the world of health, however.  No, no.  Recreational Water Activities (RecWatA) are one of my favorite parts of summer.  The very basic combination of hot temps, hot bods, cool drinks, and cold water has been solely responsible for some of the best days of my life, and I have no doubt that they will be responsible for many more to come.

Why is water-play such an awesome part of summer?  For one, RecWatAs are incredibly easy to pull off, and can be started up almost anywhere you are.  Got a patch of grass and a garden hose?  You’ve got yourself a great time.  You could pull out a garbage bag and make a slip-and-slide, or you could just get some friends and take turns playing Elephants [Ed.’s Note: We checked – you spray each other with the hose and make trumpeting noises. More than a few ‘substances’ are typically involved].  Another great thing about messing with water is that the opportunities for fun are limited only to your imagination.  There are all kinds of ways in which you can get yourself and your closest friends wet, and I guarantee you that new ways are thought up every day.  I bet that over the rest of this summer, me and my neighbor Timothy will have made up at least five new awesome RecWatAs.  It’s called creativity.  Look it up.

Now, while you can make up all kinds of awesome water-play ideas (and I encourage you to), there are a few general RecWatAs that get brought out summer after summer, to wildly enthusiastic receptions.  First up is the Pool Day.  Yes, this seems like a pretty obvious idea, but you’d be surprised how many people over the age of 13 overlook the awesome potential of the Pool Day.  Just because you’re not in grade school anymore, and don’t have kids of your own, doesn’t mean you can’t go to the community pool on a hot day with a cooler and some buds and have a great fucking time.  If you’re worried about the No Beverages, No Horseplay rules in effects at most of your local pools, don’t worry – that can easily be overcome by a few cash envelopes delivered to every on-duty lifeguard at the beginning of the summer.  These guards are usually in high school, so $40 in $1 bills will be enough to buy some Look The Other Way time when you wanna bring some Schlitz and Mike’s into the pool.  Just keep the adult activities away from the children in the pool (don’t wanna piss off those parents) and your community pool will become one of your new favorite hang-out spots.  You can hone your back-flip skills of the diving boards, have Chicken Fights for cash prizes, and float to your heart’s content.  That overgrown child Michael Phelps isn’t the only one who knows how to hit a bong and have fun in the pool, y’know what I’m saying?

Another standard RecWatA that’s a lot easier to pull off if you don’t have a pool in your area, or have gotten kicked out of ’em all (Tobias) is the slip-and-slide.  Don’t let the screaming kids and unfortunate YouTube montages scare you off from crafting an epic slip-and-slide of your own.  These things are incredibly easy to make – all you need is a hose and a tarp – and can offer up hours of fun.  If you craft a slip-and-slide the right way, then not much else on a hot day will beat the unadulterated thrill of throwing your half-naked self head-first down a slick surface and seeing what happens on the other end.  You can slide down solo, you can go in pairs or larger groups, it doesn’t matter.  It’s always fun, and even when someone gets hurt, as they inevitably do, it’s not usually too serious.  Just a mild concussion or two.  And if you’re really worried about safety, you can go out on splurge on a pre-made slide with inflatable bumpers.  So really, there’s no reason not to start slip-slidin’ away as soon as possible.

Besides the Pool Day and the Slip-And-Slide, there are tons of other great RecWatAs out there that can get you through these unbearably hot summer months with a smile on your face.  You can bring the Pool Day to you by setting up an inflatable pool in your front or back yard, and from there, the opportunities are numerous.  Or you could buy yourself a nice new water-balloon launcher and get your neighbors/strangers in on the fun.  You could also let Mother Nature show you how she does RecWatAs, and head out to your local swimming hole or easy-flowing river.  Me and the crew have started many great days by tossing a few pony kegs of Schlitz in the river and then floating along with ’em until they’re empty.

There are tons of chances to get out and splash around somewhere, so what are you waiting for?  Peel off that sweaty tank, throw on some jorts you don’t mind getting wet, and get started.”

 

[Top Photo Courtesy of CollegeHumor]

Swanky’s 12 Play

20 Jul

Frank Ocean’s new album Channel ORANGE had its official release date this week, getting a warm reception from critics and fans alike.  The album marked the major-label debut of a soulful artist who looks poised for a memorable career – one that flourishes within the world of R&B while always looking for ways to transcend its conventions and expectations.  Mr. Ocean should be considered as much more than just another slow-jam mixtape favorite, but his ability to craft an excellent, seduction-ready tune should not be overlooked.  He’s shown an understanding of what it takes to make some great slow jams – intense emotion, tenderness, the appreciation for the way personal lyrics can connect the listener to the singer, an ear for hooky vocal runs, the willingness to get weird and freaky at times.  All signs point to Frank being good for at least a few classic slow jams in the future.

As we await these future jams, Channel ORANGE has for the moment gotten us thinking about other memorable seductive tracks from the past.  Since it’s currently Friday, and almost time to let your hair down for the weekend, we figured we would offer up some of our own favorite jams.  Yes, a large number of these tracks hail from the mid- to late-90s.  And there are tons of great slow jams out there.  But no slow jam playlist can ever be objective.  So take it or leave it, but we suggest you take it.  If interested, shoot us an email, and for negotiable fees, we can send over the playlist in your ideal format: tape, burned CD (title in Sharpie), or warm, warm vinyl.  Just let us know.  And we hope that this weekend, you may find yourself inside on a stormy night, with someone you feel very special about.  With these jams bumping

There’s Kelly’s 12 Play, and this is Swanky’s 12 Play.

Joe – “I Wanna Know”

Usher – “Nice ‘N’ Slow”

Tyrese – “Signs of Love Making”

Wyclef – “Mona Lisa”

All 4 One – “I Can Love You Like That”

OutKast [Andre 3000] – “Take Off Your Cool”

Chris Isaak – “Wicked Game”

LL Cool J – “Doin’ It”

Ginuwine – “In Those Jeans”

R. Kelly – “Bump n’ Grind”

LL Cool J – “Hey Lover”

Keith  Sweat – “Twisted”

On Bended Knee: The Speech

18 Jul

So far with On Bended Knee, the process of planning for a grandiose wedding has been described by the groom of said wedding.  For this installment, perhaps the penultimate one, we toss it over to the P.O.V. of someone set to stand behind the groom on his big day, and take a look at the art and science of the wedding toast.

When it comes to making a wedding toast, it seems like there’s a basic formula that everyone should follow if they want things to go over well.  This formula would be the science aspect of the speech.  After you’ve got the formula, though, there is a lot of room to add your own personal touches, and many directions in which you can take the overall mood of the speech.  This would be the art of the speech.

Science

The first place to start is the formula.  The core components of a great wedding speech can seem pretty simple.  So simple that it can be easy to take them for granted, and this is where a lot of aspiring speechmakers fail before they get within sight of the microphone stand.  The speech can’t soar if the building blocks aren’t there.  So what are they?  In no specific order:

1)  Humor.  The piece of advice to ‘start it out with a joke’ has pretty much become a cliche at this point, but that doesn’t diminish the truth at the core of it.  No one likes someone who’s serious 24/7, and it’s always a good thing for the speaker to show the crowd that they appreciate the lighter side of life.  Also, one of the quickest ways to a woman’s (or man’s) heart is a sense of humor.  And for all the single speakers out there, a well-timed joke or two is going to go a long way towards your dance floor prospects.

2) Appropriateness.  This one is coming right after Humor for a reason.  It’s always necessary to remember that the wedding toast is not just for the bride and groom.  While that story about that one drunken night at the Tallahassee Nudist Colony might be really funny to the three of you, it’s not something that’s going to go over well with Grandma Jean at Table 2.  There are people of all ages and backgrounds at these weddings, and it’s not your party to ruin with an unfortunate dick joke.  So keep it tasteful.

3) Selflessness.  A speaker should never forget that they wouldn’t be at the mic if it wasn’t for the two best-dressed people in the room.  This is the bride and groom’s Special Day, and the wedding toasts should reflect that.  There’s nothing wrong with sharing some of the personal connections you have with one or both members of the Happy Couple, but stop the personal sharing there.  Nothing sucks the happy air out of the reception hall quite like a buzzed Best Man going off on a tangent about how his own marriage ended in a swirl of quaaludes and baristas.  Keep the spotlight on the two beautiful party people in front of you.

4) Brevity.  Keep it short and sweet.

5) Emotion.  There’s a lot to remember when prepping the wedding speech, and there should be a lot of thought put into what words will be said, but the one thing that shouldn’t be overlooked is the emotional importance of the moment.  The wedding speakers have been selected to take a supporting role in the Happy Couple’s Big Day, and that usually means that there are some strong emotional connections there.  Those emotions should shine through bright and clear in the speech.  Ideally, there will never be another chance to say some wedding-specific words to these two people, so the speech should reflect that.  Leave it all on the table.  Tastefully.

Art

The art portion of the speech is where a confident (or foolhardy) Best Man can shoot for the moon – trying for five-to-seven minutes of transcendental oratory greatness.  As long as the basic parts of the aforementioned formula have been followed, there’s plenty of room for some personal flourishes to set one speech apart from the thousands that have come before it.  To create something that people talk about, that builds a cult following through social media, and eventually cements itself into the modern cultural lexicon as a point of reference for all future wedding participants and attendees.  In order to achieve this with a speech, there needs to be some serious brainstorming time spent beforehand, and then even more time spent practicing after that.  There’s nothing wrong with thinking on your feet once you step up to the podium, but this isn’t sketch comedy.  Everything should be tightly timed and thought out beforehand, not improvised on the spot.

The ideal result of this timeless speech would be that every wedding attendee is doubled over in laughter, sobbing uncontrollably, or going through some combination of both, by the time said Man drops the mic.  If a wedding speaker puts the time and effort in before the Big Day, are these results guaranteed?  No, not at all.  Truly great wedding speeches are rare things – the products of preparation, effort, heart, good timing, and perhaps a little magic.  It’s easy to be good if you put in some effort, but it takes something special to be great.  So keep that in mind, but by no means should the elusiveness of a great speech deter future speakers from aiming for the best.  Shoot for the moon, and you might fall among the stars.

Friday Relief

13 Jul

Today is Friday the 13th, a date that means different things to different people.  For most, it’s just another Friday – one that perhaps starts with a few productive hours at work before dissolving into a haze of Dirty Shirleys and apple bongs.  For the easily-spooked among us, Friday the 13th is a cause for anything from mild worry to all-out concern – forcing some to call in sick to work, strap a protective helmet on, and stay huddled on the couch with the cats until 12:01 am on Saturday morning.  To each his own.

One thing that Friday the 13th means to DS is that it offers a chance to once again call up images of Kevin Bacon & Co. parading around in counselor-issued jorts and tank tops.  Watching Kev and the other camp counselors smoking grass, drinking pop-top Schlitz, and being chased all over the woods by a crazed Mrs. Voorhees is not a bad way to kick off your own Friday the 13th.

To get you started:

 

Stay safe out there.

Personal Soundtrack

11 Jul

The Song

 

Five Seconds by Twin Shadow

Drum machine- and synthesizer-fueled sounds from the 80s have been experiencing a revival in contemporary music over the past few years.  At some point, the sounds that dominated neon-drenched nightclubs and aerobics classes three decades ago were deemed to have lost their cheesiness and took on some indie credibility instead.  The motivation behind this neo-80s sound usually seems to swing back and forth between two different viewpoints.  There’s a detached irony in which the artist is almost mocking themselves and the listener for grooving to their vintage synths, while on the other end, there’s a full-fledged desire to re-create the music that the artist grew up loving.  Usually, the music that comes from a purely ironical standpoint will sound hollow, and overly stylized – if you can’t love the music you’re making, that comes through.  It’s when the neo-80s sound comes more from a true music lover standpoint that the songs become less like a nostalgic exercise, and more like a great piece of music.  Brooklyn-based Twin Shadow, aka George Lewis, Jr.,  has found this sweet spot.

Twin Shadow’s general sound is soaked in the 1980s New Wave influences – polished guitar licks, chiming synthesizers, surgically-timed drum beats.  The style is immediately evident, but as you listen further, it’s easy to see the quality substance beneath the shiny surface.  “Five Seconds”, off of the new album Confess, is a great example of Twin Shadow’s skillful pairing of nostalgic sounds with solid musicianship.  The song has the 80s elements straight from the beginning – a spare drum beat keeps the time while chilly synths pound away and a guitar line sounds out straight from the “I Ran” school of music.  It all sounds great, but below it all, there’s the core elements of a great song keeping everything together for repeat listening.  Shifting layers of sounds keep everything dynamic and moving forward, and Lewis, Jr.’s vocals are full of the strongly-felt emotions brought up in the lyrics.  Underneath all the manufactured pop touches, “Five Seconds” is a simple, yearning love song.  And you can feel all the emotions behind that song even as you nod your head furiously on the dance floor.

The Activity

The sun is slowly disappearing below the ocean horizon, casting the palm tree dotted landscape in a contemplative shade of burnt orange.  It’s a good match for your current state of mind, which is swinging slowly between ‘contemplative’ and ‘restless.’  You drove your motorcycle out to this peaceful stretch of coastline because you needed a place to think.  It didn’t matter that the Base had a policy about leaving in the middle of training periods – you’re a goddamned fighter pilot for the US of A.  You don’t need to check in when you need to do your reflective thinking.

The reason you had to leave, the reason you’re out here right now, pulled off the road and gazing at the sunset behind your deep-blue Aviators, is about five-three, blonde, and put together in a way you never thought possible.    In addition to all that, she’s got an attitude to match yours, which you also never thought possible.  At first, it was just some harmless flirting in the debriefing rooms – you playfully challenging her authority, her teasing you about time trials in front of the rest of the squadron.  After a week, though, feelings got in the way.  It wasn’t just another girl anymore.  She was actually getting to you.  And when you’re a self-designed rebel like yourself, that’s a problem.

The issue of changing up your badass image isn’t the only thing that’s got you out here, pondering the ocean.  To make things more difficult, you don’t know if she has the same feelings for you.  If you take the roses that are on the back of your bike right now and speed up to her house and put it all on the line, you don’t know how she’s going to respond.  She could say no.  She’s that kind of girl – tons of other options.  The rejection would be a crushing blow.  Even thinking about the possibility of that has you all rattled, getting sweaty palms and losing your focus when you’re on training runs.

What are you going to do?  A fighter jet streaks through the sky over the ocean, heading home after an end-of-the day run.  You wish you could just get in your jet and fly away, never coming back.  Just another lost maverick in the sky.  But you can’t.  What are you going to do?  You’re in the danger zone.  The danger zone of the heart.

 

I Wanna Party With You: Hero Edition

5 Jul

Sometimes, you don’t really get to know what someone is really about until you can sit down, loosen the tie, and toss a couple back with them.  So whenever a particular group of people have piqued our interest here at DS, we figure the best way to learn more about them, and ourselves, is to take a look at what it would be like to party with them.  It’s social science, if you will.  This is I Wanna Party With You.  It’s heavy stuff.

Super Parties

Some of the biggest characters of the 2012 Summer movie season are guys who spend a lot of their time messing around in costumes.  From the Avengers to Spider-Man to Batman, the general public are clearly interested in these guys, as their movies are drawing huge crowds at box offices all over the world.  A lot of these heroes’ appeal has to do with their affinity for awe-inspiring action sequences.  But what are they like when the special effects end?  When they take off their masks or capes and pour themselves a cold one at the end of the day?  When one beer turns to seven turns to twenty?

Note:  In this study, we’re going to use the 2012 movie versions of these characters.  

Batman (Bruce Wayne):

When you party with Batman, the good part is that you are partying with Bruce Wayne as well.  The Bruce Wayne who dates four models at a time, drives souped-up sports cars, and buys entire city blocks on a whim.  Bruce has more money than he knows what to do with, and he seems pretty cool with spending wildly.  This could lead to some memorable party opportunities, and you know that you would never have to foot the bill.

The downside of partying with Bruce Wayne is that eventually, Batman will come out.  And that makes us nervous.  Batman is a great guy to have on your side when you’re going up against a bunch of bad guys.  But a big part of his hero shtick is an unrelenting intensity that doesn’t play too well in party settings.  Or really, any kind of civilized, normal setting.  Suppose you’re partying with Bruce Wayne, drinking $500,000 bottles of champagne, when all of a sudden he slips into the gruff, husky Batman voice and loses his mind.  The next thing you know, the fun has stopped and you’re in the middle of that drunken wrestling scene from The Hurt Locker.  With someone who looks suspiciously like Patrick Bateman.  And that’s not a place you want to be.

Good Party Meter:

5/10

 

Thor (Thor)

It seems like it would be a great time to sit around a big banquet table and swig mugs of mead with Thor.  There would preferably be a lot of magical medieval things to keep everyone entertained, and Thor would presumably have no problem with getting rip-roaring drunk.  After he’d gone through a few mugs, the hammer would come out for some party tricks, and maybe he’d even call in some thunder and lightning for good measure.  He’s also got the Long Hair Don’t Care party look down.

The only drawback with Thor is that he kind of comes off as a haughty prick sometimes – he lets all the ‘royalty’ and ‘god’ stuff go to his head, and he has no problem letting everyone know how super awesome and jacked he is.  That could be pretty annoying when you’re just trying to take it easy and sip some mead.

Good Party Meter:

7/10

 

Iron Man (Tony Stark)

Partying with Iron Man means you get to party with another guy with silly amounts of money, with the added bonus that Tony Stark doesn’t seem prone to rage blackouts a la Bruce Wayne.  Tony Stark is a technical genius who enjoys having a good time, which provides for party scenarios in which he’s fashioning some crazy-cool gadgets to play with while you hang out in his infinity pool with a bevy of models.

As we’ve seen in his previous movies, Tony Stark doesn’t have a problem with getting drunk while in the Iron Man suit.  He also has several extra suits at his place, just sitting there unused.  This all means that you could party with Tony for a bit, and then slyly drop hints about pulling the suits out.  Once Tony has already started getting his suit on, what’s to stop him from letting you get in one of the extras?  All of a sudden, you’ve gone from a few casual beers to slipping on a near-invincible suit of armor with cool gadgets that allows you to fly.  Tony Stark, we wanna party with you.

Good Party Meter:

10/10

 

Captain America (Steve Rogers)

It’s tough to say anything bad about Steve Rogers.  He’s an American hero who kicked a lot of Nazi ass.  He seems like the nicest guy imaginable, without a sinister bone in his genetically-jacked-up body.  And as Captain America, he can do some pretty sweet things with that shield of his.  The problem with Steve when it comes to partying is that for all of his awesome qualities, he appears pretty boring at times.  Boring in the wholesome, white-washed-product-of-the-40s way.  And almost too good.

We have to wonder if Captain will just stand there judging us as we reach for the third beer.  When he’s only halfway through his first.  And if we crack some dirty jokes, just to lighten up the mood, will Captain just respond with a stony silence, making everyone feel awkward?  We hope that this isn’t the case.  We would hope that Steve would loosen up after a few beers, let his figurative hair down, and do some cool tricks with the super strength of his.  It just could go either way.

Good Party Meter:

6/10

 

Spider-Man (Peter Parker)

2012’s cinematic incarnation of the Web Slinger is still in high school.  Which means that while partying with Peter Parker could be fun, with his nifty web-shooting party tricks and Spidey Sense letting you know when the cops are on their way, it also means that you’re partying with a high schooler.  And there are a lot of issues that go along with that.

When you party with someone in high school, you’re facing a wide range of potential outcomes.  Wild and unpredictable emotional swings, pretending to be drunk, throwing up everywhere, getting bad attitudes, the whole legal issue of giving alcohol to minors.  It’s just not very appealing.  And that’s the problem when partying with Spidey.  There’s a good chance that after his third Bud Light Lime, he’s going to start crying uncontrollably about Emma Stone, try to punch you out when you console him, and end up puking all over your cat before passing out on your couch.  Thanks, Pete, but we’ll wait a couple of years.

Good Party Meter:

3/10

 

The Hulk (Bruce Banner)

This is a no-brainer.  Mark Ruffalo seems like a really chill guy who enjoys some brews, some bud, and some pretty ladies.  But do you want to give alcoholic beverages to someone who turns into a giant rage beast when he loses the slightest bit of control over himself?  Us neither.  Sorry Bruce.

Good Party Meter:

0/10

 

Party On…