I Wanna Party With You: Hero Edition

5 Jul

Sometimes, you don’t really get to know what someone is really about until you can sit down, loosen the tie, and toss a couple back with them.  So whenever a particular group of people have piqued our interest here at DS, we figure the best way to learn more about them, and ourselves, is to take a look at what it would be like to party with them.  It’s social science, if you will.  This is I Wanna Party With You.  It’s heavy stuff.

Super Parties

Some of the biggest characters of the 2012 Summer movie season are guys who spend a lot of their time messing around in costumes.  From the Avengers to Spider-Man to Batman, the general public are clearly interested in these guys, as their movies are drawing huge crowds at box offices all over the world.  A lot of these heroes’ appeal has to do with their affinity for awe-inspiring action sequences.  But what are they like when the special effects end?  When they take off their masks or capes and pour themselves a cold one at the end of the day?  When one beer turns to seven turns to twenty?

Note:  In this study, we’re going to use the 2012 movie versions of these characters.  

Batman (Bruce Wayne):

When you party with Batman, the good part is that you are partying with Bruce Wayne as well.  The Bruce Wayne who dates four models at a time, drives souped-up sports cars, and buys entire city blocks on a whim.  Bruce has more money than he knows what to do with, and he seems pretty cool with spending wildly.  This could lead to some memorable party opportunities, and you know that you would never have to foot the bill.

The downside of partying with Bruce Wayne is that eventually, Batman will come out.  And that makes us nervous.  Batman is a great guy to have on your side when you’re going up against a bunch of bad guys.  But a big part of his hero shtick is an unrelenting intensity that doesn’t play too well in party settings.  Or really, any kind of civilized, normal setting.  Suppose you’re partying with Bruce Wayne, drinking $500,000 bottles of champagne, when all of a sudden he slips into the gruff, husky Batman voice and loses his mind.  The next thing you know, the fun has stopped and you’re in the middle of that drunken wrestling scene from The Hurt Locker.  With someone who looks suspiciously like Patrick Bateman.  And that’s not a place you want to be.

Good Party Meter:

5/10

 

Thor (Thor)

It seems like it would be a great time to sit around a big banquet table and swig mugs of mead with Thor.  There would preferably be a lot of magical medieval things to keep everyone entertained, and Thor would presumably have no problem with getting rip-roaring drunk.  After he’d gone through a few mugs, the hammer would come out for some party tricks, and maybe he’d even call in some thunder and lightning for good measure.  He’s also got the Long Hair Don’t Care party look down.

The only drawback with Thor is that he kind of comes off as a haughty prick sometimes – he lets all the ‘royalty’ and ‘god’ stuff go to his head, and he has no problem letting everyone know how super awesome and jacked he is.  That could be pretty annoying when you’re just trying to take it easy and sip some mead.

Good Party Meter:

7/10

 

Iron Man (Tony Stark)

Partying with Iron Man means you get to party with another guy with silly amounts of money, with the added bonus that Tony Stark doesn’t seem prone to rage blackouts a la Bruce Wayne.  Tony Stark is a technical genius who enjoys having a good time, which provides for party scenarios in which he’s fashioning some crazy-cool gadgets to play with while you hang out in his infinity pool with a bevy of models.

As we’ve seen in his previous movies, Tony Stark doesn’t have a problem with getting drunk while in the Iron Man suit.  He also has several extra suits at his place, just sitting there unused.  This all means that you could party with Tony for a bit, and then slyly drop hints about pulling the suits out.  Once Tony has already started getting his suit on, what’s to stop him from letting you get in one of the extras?  All of a sudden, you’ve gone from a few casual beers to slipping on a near-invincible suit of armor with cool gadgets that allows you to fly.  Tony Stark, we wanna party with you.

Good Party Meter:

10/10

 

Captain America (Steve Rogers)

It’s tough to say anything bad about Steve Rogers.  He’s an American hero who kicked a lot of Nazi ass.  He seems like the nicest guy imaginable, without a sinister bone in his genetically-jacked-up body.  And as Captain America, he can do some pretty sweet things with that shield of his.  The problem with Steve when it comes to partying is that for all of his awesome qualities, he appears pretty boring at times.  Boring in the wholesome, white-washed-product-of-the-40s way.  And almost too good.

We have to wonder if Captain will just stand there judging us as we reach for the third beer.  When he’s only halfway through his first.  And if we crack some dirty jokes, just to lighten up the mood, will Captain just respond with a stony silence, making everyone feel awkward?  We hope that this isn’t the case.  We would hope that Steve would loosen up after a few beers, let his figurative hair down, and do some cool tricks with the super strength of his.  It just could go either way.

Good Party Meter:

6/10

 

Spider-Man (Peter Parker)

2012’s cinematic incarnation of the Web Slinger is still in high school.  Which means that while partying with Peter Parker could be fun, with his nifty web-shooting party tricks and Spidey Sense letting you know when the cops are on their way, it also means that you’re partying with a high schooler.  And there are a lot of issues that go along with that.

When you party with someone in high school, you’re facing a wide range of potential outcomes.  Wild and unpredictable emotional swings, pretending to be drunk, throwing up everywhere, getting bad attitudes, the whole legal issue of giving alcohol to minors.  It’s just not very appealing.  And that’s the problem when partying with Spidey.  There’s a good chance that after his third Bud Light Lime, he’s going to start crying uncontrollably about Emma Stone, try to punch you out when you console him, and end up puking all over your cat before passing out on your couch.  Thanks, Pete, but we’ll wait a couple of years.

Good Party Meter:

3/10

 

The Hulk (Bruce Banner)

This is a no-brainer.  Mark Ruffalo seems like a really chill guy who enjoys some brews, some bud, and some pretty ladies.  But do you want to give alcoholic beverages to someone who turns into a giant rage beast when he loses the slightest bit of control over himself?  Us neither.  Sorry Bruce.

Good Party Meter:

0/10

 

Party On…

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