I Wanna Party With You: Expendable Edition

17 Aug

Sometimes, you don’t really get to know what someone is really about until you can sit down, loosen the tie, and toss a couple back with them.  So whenever a particular group of people have piqued our interest here at DS, we figure the best way to learn more about them, and ourselves, is to take a look at what it would be like to party with them.  It’s social science, if you will.  This is I Wanna Party With You.  It’s heavy stuff.

Action Parties

The second installment of the Expendables movie franchise hits theaters this week, offering audiences the chance to see their (parents?) favorite action heroes team up on screen for another round of snappy one-liners and exploding body parts.  The sequel adds even more familiar action faces to the cast, with the likes of Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme coming out of semi-retirement to see if they can out-forearm-sweat Stallone, Statham, and the rest of the series regulars.

We all pretty much know what we’re going to get with the new Expendables.  There will be tons of body blows that land almost as hard as the muttered bits of dialogue.  There will be a lot of winking nods and outright jokes aimed at the stars’ ages, previous movies, and real-life histories.  There will be lots of shooting, gratuitous explosions, and at least one scene in which Stallone directs a plane to do things that spit in the face of rudimentary physics.  We know all of these things.  But what we don’t know, at least for most of us that didn’t frequent the Hollywood Hills house circuit in the late 80s – mid 90s, is what it’s like to party with these action stars.  After the sweat, blood and burn marks have been wiped off, after the last bullet fired and the last punch thrown, what are these brawny bros really like?  Let’s get to hypothesizing.

Sylvester Stallone

Stallone often seems to be one of, if not the most, creatively-minded members of this action star crew.  He’s been the driving force behind getting The Expendables going as a viable franchise, and in addition to directing the first Expendables, he’s also written several movies over the course of his career – including the iconic First Blood (Rambo 1) and Rocky.  While many of the other action guys have seemed content to stick to acting, Stallone has stood out in his creative drive and output.

That creative side is great when it comes to making movies, and it would probably make for some interesting conversation at points during drinks or at a party.  Part of that creative mindset, however, includes having a sensitive disposition – and that can lead to some uncomfortable or unfortunate moments.  In interviews he’s given, Stallone can at times come off as being a pretty defensive dude, and it’s easy to see that becoming magnified in a party situation.  All it takes is a couple of Patron shots and one flippant comment about short guys or the overrated aspects of Rocky, and all of a sudden you’ve got an angry little ball of tanned muscle looking for a rage outlet.  Not the most stable of party mates.

Good Party Meter:

5/10

 

Bruce Willis

The first thing we’d do if partying with Bruce would be to get on first nickname basis – it would be pretty sweet to be able to casually mention you’re ‘heading out to go get beers with Bruno.’  The people that know what you mean would know how special you are.  Besides the whole nickname thing, Bruce seems like he would be a pretty solid guy to share a couple of cold Schlitzes with.  He likes rock ‘n’ roll, he likes motorcycles, he’s John fucking McClane.  In short, he’s a man’s man, and would have tons of good stories to share.

The issue with Bruce is that there is a part of him that scares the shit out of us.  It’s not a loud and obnoxious style, but there’s a quiet rage inside of Bruce that is quite daunting.  This dormant rage played well in Live Free Or Die Hard – Bruce was very convincing as the father of a teenage daughter who just seethed with quiet anger at any and every guy who looked at her twice.  It wouldn’t play well, however, in a carefree party scene.  We can just imagine asking Bruce one too many times to say “Yippie-kay-a motherfucker,” after which he would just put his beer down and stare at us quietly as we dissolved into puddles of shame and self-hatred.  Party over, at least for us.

Good Party Meter:

6/10

 

Chuck Norris

Chuck has been the subject of many jokingly outlandish ‘Chuck Norris jokes’ over the last several years, so it would seem at first that he would be an early favorite to party with.  Have a beer with Chuck and make him do ridiculous things, like punch bears!  And then he’ll do them!  But, no.  This may be an unpopular opinion, but we’re personally not big fans of Mr. Chuck as a party companion.

His movies are alright, as far as ridiculous action movies go, and there are definitely a lot of unintentionally awesome scenes in Walker, Texas Ranger.  There have been many reports, however, that real-life Chuck is not like the action character Chuck.  That real-life Chuck is pretty convinced of his righteousness, and that he almost wouldn’t appear in The Expendables 2 because of the explicit language and other awesome things that earned the movie an ‘R’ rating.  So you can keep the played-out Chuck Norris jokes and go join Chuck at the soda fountain, because we’ll stick with Bruno and some Schlitzes.

Good Party Meter:

1/10

 

Jason Statham

Jason Statham is one of the few big names in The Expendables that is arguably still in his movie-making prime.  He’s definitely not in the same generation as the likes of Stallone and Schwarzenneger, and he’s still pumping out 1-2 solid action movies per year.  He hasn’t quite reached the worldwide mega-star status that those guys hit in the 80s, but he’s still got a solid reputation among action movie fans.  That would be a pretty good way to describe our impression of Jason as a party companion – solid.

Apart from a dry English wit that he usually sports in his movies, there’s not a lot to The Stath that indicates he’s got any crazy qualities that would come out after a few drinks.  And that’s both a good and bad thing.  Bad, because when compared to some of the other flamboyant characters on this list, he could get a little boring after a while.  Good, though, because in case anything goes down at said party, like Stallone losing his mind and going after anyone over 6 ft. tall, you can be assured that good ol’ Stath will have your back, no matter what.

Good Party Meter:

7/10

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold has been in some pretty awesome action movies over the years, but at this point, his silver-screen exploits have probably been eclipsed by the ridiculousness of his actual life.  The guy moved to the U.S. as a teenager, became a sensation in the body-building world, transitioned to movies and conquered that world for a time, and then moved on to politics and became governor of the biggest state in America.  Along the way, he’s shown at many points that he’s got a pretty good sense of humor, and he loves to have a good time.

Say what you will about his recent marital troubles – this guy is by all accounts a pretty interesting person to hang out with.  We would love to get Arnold in a party setting, pull out some beer and some bud, see if the Party Arnold of this and this is still around, and if it is, if Party Arnold would like to come out and mingle.  We’re guessing that he is, and that he would.

Good Party Meter:

9/10

 

Party On…

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