Tag Archives: BlitzedForTheHolidays

Blitzed For The Holidays: Holiday Sale Shopping

31 Dec

[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

Holiday Sale Shopping

“A perfect storm of necessity and thriftiness came together to lead me to the downtown Macy’s yesterday.  I’d been getting a big earful of all the post-Xmas sales going on, and I was itching to get a big ‘statement-making’ number for the New Year’s Eve bash going on in a couple days.  So I hopped on my trusty trike and cruised downtown to see what treasures awaited on the sales racks.  As I got down towards the stores, I realized too late that I was heading to the heart of the post-holiday shopping clusterfuck bonanza.  Now, I’m about the most social guy you could ever hope to meet, but ever since a few unfortunate county fair incidents a couple years back, I’ve had some trouble keeping my cool in crowds.  As I parked my trike in the store’s garage and realized what kind of deal-crazed group I was facing, I reached for my Emergency Anxiety Kit I keep with me everywhere I go.  A few puffs and several pulls later, I was back to balanced out and feelin’ like my good self as I sauntered over the sky-bridge and into the breach.

The first section I came to was Women’s Delicates, and before I realized it, I was swimming in a sea of pink satin and hard bods, and I was having trouble telling which way was up.  Now, I had already bought some lacy gifts for the girlfriends the week before (and they loved ’em) but that Anxiety Kit had me feeling sporty and I couldn’t help but ask the beautiful blonde salesperson if there was anyone helping her pick out something that she liked.  She looked ready to give me the go-ahead when she was pulled away by a stern looking couple inquiring about a Her’s and Her’s sale.  I made a mental note to come back later, and continued on down the escalator to the Men’s Section, which was currently under siege by an assortment of determined moms and wives.  I wasn’t sure exactly what kind of outfit I was looking for to bring in the New Year, but I had the word ‘dazzle’ in mind, so I took a deep breath and plunged in to see what I could find.  After a few minutes of slamdancing in the formal wear section, I saw a sparkle-studded plaid Ed Hardy number with matching dragon pants, and knew that my search was complete.

As I reached for my prize,  a husky voice behind me told me to Leave it, those are for My Man.  Keeping a firm grip on the clothes, I turned to face my combatant and saw a short 20something lady with a pierced nose and a heavy scowl.  I told her Better Luck Next Year and began to jostle over to the cashier, fearing that my Anxiety Kit was beginning to wear off.  I had almost gotten home free when I felt a vise grip around my ankle and what can only be described as a low growl.  Before I knew it, my feet were out from under me and I was face down on the ground, getting kicked out by Nose Piercing and her entourage, demanding that I give the clothes up.  No Anxiety Kit could stand up to this, and I blacked out for a second before yelling NOT TODAY and CT-walked my way over to the cashier with Nose Piercing on my back.  She finally rolled off when my purchase was complete, and told me to watch myself as security took care of it.  Bloodied but victorious, I headed back to the trike, but not before putting the studded sparkles on and getting Lingerie’s number.  This New Year’s Eve is going to be coming in hot.”

Blitzed For The Holidays: Elf

22 Dec

[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

Elf

“I learned the hard way that what’s funny for big Will Ferrell isn’t funny for everyone.  This is especially true when it comes to dressing up as a human-sized elf and trying to spread the spirit of Christmas to all of the tight-assed party crashers out there.  Basically, I was visiting my big bro and my niece and nephew, both of them circa 8 years old, and both are awesome little dudes.  They love Uncle [name redacted] as well, and to give them a great holiday treat a couple years back, I rigged up a green suit and dressed up as Elf from one of their favorite movies, Elf.

If you know me, you know I don’t do anything halfways, so as soon as I got those green leggings on, I tapped into everything I’d learned down at the Community College acting class, and resolved to become Buddy the Elf for the next few hours.  I took a page out of the books of some of the great actors of the day, and helped myself get into the mind of my character by taking down about 3 flasks of Rumple Minze, which, combined with the 10 repeat viewings of “Elf” the day before, definitely did the trick.

So once I get my Elf rig on and my mindset right, I go to surprise my two favorite relatives and their parents at the Ice Rink downtown.  They were having some family outing or something, I dunno, and they were all super pumped when they saw me.  I started spouting some patented Elf lines (What’s your favorite color!) while the kids jumped for joy, and my bro played right along, asking me “What the Hell are you doing and where are your pants” like the grumpy old dad in the movie.  By this point, I had fully inhabited the Elf character, so I told the kids to follow me as I took off sprinting towards the North Pole Village, set up next to the Rink.

As soon as I saw the Santa Claus guy on his little chair, I did my best Ferrell “Santa!” yell and ran up to hop on his lap.  I landed right on the guy and he must not have been ready for me, because he let out a little yelp and we both tumbled through the backdrop behind his chair, rolling through a bunch of shoppers waiting in line.  Before I could look to see if my niece and nephew were watching this great piece of improv, Fake Santa was tazing me and yelling for security.  Luckily, this was some little dime store taser, and with the mix of adrenaline and Rumple Minze, I shook it off and, in a rare slip of character that still disappoints me today, socked him right in the face.

Turned out Fake Santa had a chin on him, and we traded blows for a few minutes as a crowd gathered and cheered us on.  The police stepped in right about the time I pulled Fake Santa’s red jacket over his head and punched him clean out of it, and before I knew it, I was face down with cuffs on.

Luckily, my bro stepped in and helped bail me out, and I did a great Buddy Christmas Carol rendition on our way back home from the station.  Fake Santa and I made our amends, and we’re drinking buddies now, we even split the $8,000 in damages those miserly North Pole owners charged.  I put the Elf character away, but have been working on some new material lately, so fingers crossed.”

Blitzed for the Holidays: White Elephant Party

16 Dec

[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

White Elephant Parties

“One of my close associates invited me to a holiday party last week, and after I had already said “Fuck and yes” he told me it was a White Elephant party.  He asked if I was cool with that, and I said ‘Yeah, man, are you cool?’ and then my minutes ran out so I couldn’t much more details beyond the time and place.

I go on living my life, then the day of the party comes and I get dressed up in my holiday attire, vest and everything, and hop in the IROC.  Now, I know I haven’t been the best party guest in the past, and I wanted to change that this time, so I stopped off at Heems’ place on the way over to pick up some White Elephant and ensure that I wouldn’t be coming over empty-handed.  No freeloadin’ here.  The party was across town, and I got stuck in traffic leaving from Heems’, making me about 45 minutes late.  I didn’t want to be left out when I got there, so I took my share of the Elephant on the way and was pretty tusked up by the time I walked in to the party, if you know what I mean. [Ed.’s note: We don’t]

So I come gliding into the party and there’s a good amount of people there, just kind of milling about.  Not as amped up as I was expecting, but I chalked that up to the early hour.  The Elephant usually starts kicking bout 2-3 hours in.  Anyways, I sidle up next to the open bar and am taking the edge off with a hot toddy when a hot little number in a cocktail dress and reindeer antlers walks over.  I introduce myself and we get to talking, not sure how long we’re there for but sooner or later the host calls out for everyone to start the White Elephant in the living room.  Well shit, I think, here I went and got a head start on everyone, and as I’m pulling my bag of extras out, everyone moves into the side room and sits down around a table of presents.  At this point I was starting to lose feeling in my legs, so I just went with it and sat on down next to Reindeer Antlers, who was getting friendlier with the minute.

Well I’m sitting there for a bit, trying to keep my head on my shoulders, if you dig me, while people are drawing numbers and taking presents off the table.  I wanted to keep my status as a good guest going, so I tossed my Elephant bag right in there and sat back to play hungry eyes with my new lady pal, who, combined with the good ol’ WE, had managed to get me standing at full attention.

At some point, Reindeer notices the third guest in our private party, and gives me a nod towards the bathroom ’round the corner.  I may be some things, but I’m not stupid and I crouch-walked my way out of the living room and we got the fun started over the bathroom sink.  Pretty soon after the pants came down, I finally lost the battle with the Elephant and had one of those patented love blackouts.  She must have felt the love too, because we were both hooting and hollering up a damn storm, drawing a crowd that included her husband, who kicked down the door and collared me up, yelling about What the Hell Was Going On.  Reindeer responded, Why Don’t You Go Ask Your Tim Tebow Highlight Reel, and this little interchange allowed me to roll my way down the hall and right out to the bar, where I grabbed a Schlitz to go and took my leave of the party.  Never did get to find out what the hell was going on with those White Elephant presents, but my personal Elephant at least had enough kick left for my power sprint back home.”

Blitzed for the Holidays: Seasonal Employment

7 Dec

[Editor’s Note: This post continues our introspective series as we view Holiday events from the eyes and mouth of America’s truest patriot, Steed]

Seasonal Employment

“My two favorite holidays are Halloween and Christmas, for the usual reasons of role playing and peppermint schnapps. If you need work around these holidays and you are not afraid to get a little dirty, America has a lot to offer. Be that security, tending bar, or selling grass, I have done it all. Truth be told, my past is hazy and I’ll be the first to admit that my career record is less than sterling, greatly in part to the fine deputies of the Sheriffs Department.

Despite the firm hand of the law I do manage periodic weeks of steady employment. Usually, you can find me swooning livestock at Golden Eagle Ranch and around Christmas my brother Gert let’s me roll heads as a bouncer at his pawn shop. I use his shop as my bank as well, so it works out great for everyone involved. This year is no different, so ladies come on down to Gert R Pawned most weeknights from 10pm-4am, I look forward to seeing you.”

Blitzed for the Holidays: Christmas Trees

6 Dec

[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

Christmas Trees

“I decided to combine the start of the holidays and  the last regular season weekend of N C doublefuckingA Football last Saturday in to a great idea –  I brought the tailgate to the Christmas tree lot down the street.  Got the boys together, got some dogs and fresh ‘slaw, a keg of the Blue Ribbon, and a couple bottles of the Schlag [Ed.’s note: Goldschlager] to keep everyone warm.  Goal was to get out there around 9, get a good buzz going, and have a couple trees already picked out before the start of the early games.

We got there around 11, after a couple kick-off rounds of shots, and got all set up in a prime spot next to some big ole granddaddy Douglas Firs.  The grill had just gotten fired up when some dude called a “volunteer parent” came by and asked us not to drink on school property.  I told him to keep the kids out of this and I think he agreed at that point since he let us be.

The next hour or so is kind of touch-and-go, but I’m pretty sure we tossed the pigskin around a bit, got some of the shoppers to get a game of touch football together, and were having a pretty sweet fuckin’ time getting into the holiday spirit.  Too sweet, it seems, because the “volunteer parent” happened to “volunteer” info to the cops about our festivities and the next thing I know, I’m asking the officer if he can tie my tree to the top of his car, or could I do it for him.  We took a ride at that point, but I woke up Sunday morning with some great holiday pictures and the neighbor’s tree shining brightly in my living room, so I can’t much complain.  Pretty good start to a pretty sweet month.”

Blitzed for the Holidays: Christmas Music Review

5 Dec

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[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

Song : Santa Clause Is Coming To Town

Listening Mood: Liquor induced warmth

First Take: Replace “Santa Clause” with ” The Circus” and the song  only becomes slightly more creepy. A feel good jingle that surmises the epitome of childhood anticipation unlike any other.  Quite possibly the most famous biography of Saint Nick, this tune touches the voyeur in all of us, while somehow staying PG enough to be the most played Christmas song of all time.

“He sees you when your sleeping, he knows when you’re awake”