Tag Archives: Jorts

Summer Livin’: Fun With Water

24 Jul

Editor’s Note:  Summer Livin’ is a segment in which we ask our friend Steed to offer some words of wisdom on how to best enjoy certain staples of the summer months.  For further reason as to why this should be appointment Internet all summer long, check out the Introduction.  On to the easy livin’. 

“If you’re like me, you’ve been spending every day for the last several weeks sweatin’ something fierce.  The temps always get pretty scorching during July and August, but there’s something about this year that feels like someone cranked the Big Thermostat In The Sky just a few notches higher.  Normally I like to spend at least of few hours of the Summer Day kicked back on the front porch with a cold BLL, but at this point, even the shaded areas of the outdoors are unbearable between the hours of 9am and 6pm.  Unbearable – unless, that is, you’ve got the magic ingredient necessary to combat whatever Summer Heat can throw at you.  Water.  H2O.  Agua.  The clear stuff.

Having access to water, and a lot of it, is necessary for basic health reasons if you want to exist outdoors for long periods of time during the dog days of summer.  The benefits of water access don’t stop with the world of health, however.  No, no.  Recreational Water Activities (RecWatA) are one of my favorite parts of summer.  The very basic combination of hot temps, hot bods, cool drinks, and cold water has been solely responsible for some of the best days of my life, and I have no doubt that they will be responsible for many more to come.

Why is water-play such an awesome part of summer?  For one, RecWatAs are incredibly easy to pull off, and can be started up almost anywhere you are.  Got a patch of grass and a garden hose?  You’ve got yourself a great time.  You could pull out a garbage bag and make a slip-and-slide, or you could just get some friends and take turns playing Elephants [Ed.’s Note: We checked – you spray each other with the hose and make trumpeting noises. More than a few ‘substances’ are typically involved].  Another great thing about messing with water is that the opportunities for fun are limited only to your imagination.  There are all kinds of ways in which you can get yourself and your closest friends wet, and I guarantee you that new ways are thought up every day.  I bet that over the rest of this summer, me and my neighbor Timothy will have made up at least five new awesome RecWatAs.  It’s called creativity.  Look it up.

Now, while you can make up all kinds of awesome water-play ideas (and I encourage you to), there are a few general RecWatAs that get brought out summer after summer, to wildly enthusiastic receptions.  First up is the Pool Day.  Yes, this seems like a pretty obvious idea, but you’d be surprised how many people over the age of 13 overlook the awesome potential of the Pool Day.  Just because you’re not in grade school anymore, and don’t have kids of your own, doesn’t mean you can’t go to the community pool on a hot day with a cooler and some buds and have a great fucking time.  If you’re worried about the No Beverages, No Horseplay rules in effects at most of your local pools, don’t worry – that can easily be overcome by a few cash envelopes delivered to every on-duty lifeguard at the beginning of the summer.  These guards are usually in high school, so $40 in $1 bills will be enough to buy some Look The Other Way time when you wanna bring some Schlitz and Mike’s into the pool.  Just keep the adult activities away from the children in the pool (don’t wanna piss off those parents) and your community pool will become one of your new favorite hang-out spots.  You can hone your back-flip skills of the diving boards, have Chicken Fights for cash prizes, and float to your heart’s content.  That overgrown child Michael Phelps isn’t the only one who knows how to hit a bong and have fun in the pool, y’know what I’m saying?

Another standard RecWatA that’s a lot easier to pull off if you don’t have a pool in your area, or have gotten kicked out of ’em all (Tobias) is the slip-and-slide.  Don’t let the screaming kids and unfortunate YouTube montages scare you off from crafting an epic slip-and-slide of your own.  These things are incredibly easy to make – all you need is a hose and a tarp – and can offer up hours of fun.  If you craft a slip-and-slide the right way, then not much else on a hot day will beat the unadulterated thrill of throwing your half-naked self head-first down a slick surface and seeing what happens on the other end.  You can slide down solo, you can go in pairs or larger groups, it doesn’t matter.  It’s always fun, and even when someone gets hurt, as they inevitably do, it’s not usually too serious.  Just a mild concussion or two.  And if you’re really worried about safety, you can go out on splurge on a pre-made slide with inflatable bumpers.  So really, there’s no reason not to start slip-slidin’ away as soon as possible.

Besides the Pool Day and the Slip-And-Slide, there are tons of other great RecWatAs out there that can get you through these unbearably hot summer months with a smile on your face.  You can bring the Pool Day to you by setting up an inflatable pool in your front or back yard, and from there, the opportunities are numerous.  Or you could buy yourself a nice new water-balloon launcher and get your neighbors/strangers in on the fun.  You could also let Mother Nature show you how she does RecWatAs, and head out to your local swimming hole or easy-flowing river.  Me and the crew have started many great days by tossing a few pony kegs of Schlitz in the river and then floating along with ’em until they’re empty.

There are tons of chances to get out and splash around somewhere, so what are you waiting for?  Peel off that sweaty tank, throw on some jorts you don’t mind getting wet, and get started.”

 

[Top Photo Courtesy of CollegeHumor]

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Friday Relief

13 Jul

Today is Friday the 13th, a date that means different things to different people.  For most, it’s just another Friday – one that perhaps starts with a few productive hours at work before dissolving into a haze of Dirty Shirleys and apple bongs.  For the easily-spooked among us, Friday the 13th is a cause for anything from mild worry to all-out concern – forcing some to call in sick to work, strap a protective helmet on, and stay huddled on the couch with the cats until 12:01 am on Saturday morning.  To each his own.

One thing that Friday the 13th means to DS is that it offers a chance to once again call up images of Kevin Bacon & Co. parading around in counselor-issued jorts and tank tops.  Watching Kev and the other camp counselors smoking grass, drinking pop-top Schlitz, and being chased all over the woods by a crazed Mrs. Voorhees is not a bad way to kick off your own Friday the 13th.

To get you started:

 

Stay safe out there.

Personal Soundtrack

24 May

The Song

I’m Writing A Novel by Father John Misty

 

If you like your tales of surreal benders to come with a biting sense of humor and a soundtrack influenced by artists like Dylan and Creedence, then Father John Misty has a song for you.  “I’m Writing A Novel” is a literate, tongue-in-cheek account of one narrator’s drug- and drink-fueled experiences through a dreamlike version of Los Angeles.

Frontman J. Tillman is the former drummer for Fleet Foxes, and while Father John Misty has a bit of the same rootsy and mystical sound as Foxes, Misty’s self-titled debut album is a distinctly different musical beast.  When describing some of his mindset behind the band, Tillman has said “I like humor and sex and mischief.”  Living up to that billing, Father John Misty is filled with wildly diverse sonic touches and a sharp sense of humor that is totally unique.  Tillman is clearly having a great time getting out from the Hugely Popular Band dynamic of Fleet Foxes and is letting his own voice sound out.  And as songs like “I’m Writing A Novel” indicate, that voice is awesomely weird.

The song’s lyrical accounts of L.A. hop all over the city, stopping at landmarks like Laurel Canyon, Malibu, and West Hollywood, and offer up sarcastic, vivid images of a community of drinks, drugs, dreams, and art.  It could be 2012, or it could be 1969 – the free-wheeling spirit of L.A. in “Novel” is a timeless one.  Lyrics like “I don’t need any new friends, Mama / But I could really use something to do,” or “We could do ayahuasca / Baby if I wasn’t holding all these drinks” are slyly funny and brilliant ways to describe aspects of the unique and surreal land that Los Angeles can sometimes be.  If you’re looking for that kind of L.A., Father John Misty is an excellent host.

The Activity

It’s a little past midday, and the temperature sits comfortably above 80 degrees on another cloudless day in Los Angeles.  Your morning boredom had stirred you to venture out on a hike in the Laurel Canyon area – a decision you’re second-guessing as you find yourself deep within the canyon’s scruffy wilderness without a definite idea of where you’re going or how to get back to your car.  The air hangs heavily in the heat, and occasionally seems to shimmer in sync with the chirping and buzzing of unseen insects.

You didn’t think the heat would be a factor when you first started out, but now that you’re a couple of hours and one big water bottle down, a nagging feeling of wooziness has started to creep in.  You don’t want to pass out from heat stroke all the way out here, so you stop for a moment in a shady part of the gravelly path.  As you catch your breath, the faint sound of music starts up from somewhere farther up the trail.  Straining to listen, you make out a definite guitar tone, jangling along in a catchy melody that you’re instantly drawn to.  Not stopping to wonder if it’s all just in your heat-addled mind, you leave the safety of the shade and head towards the direction of this mysterious sound.  As you round a sharp turn in the path, you come upon a small clearing amid the low-hanging canyon trees, in which sit four long-haired and bearded fellows in varying combinations of jorts, tank-tops, or no shirts at all.  They are all smiling and plugging along on guitars, roughly matching each other as they play the same stomping guitar line.  The term ‘folkish rockish’ floats into your head, stays a bit, and then floats out.

The tallest of the group sees you standing there and stops playing.  He gets up and walks towards you, smiling the whole way.  The rest of the group continues their playing while he crosses the clearing and extends a welcoming hand.  “I’m Father J,” he says, giving you a firm handshake and offering what appears to be a bottle of water with his free hand.  “…but you can call me Misty.”

You take the water bottle thankfully and in your thirsty state, take a healthy drink without hesitation.  It tastes mostly like water, with a bit of a bitter aftertaste.  Whatever, it’s refreshing.  As you hand it back, Misty smiles even wider.  “You wanna take a ride out of here and go to a party?’

It’s probably the heat, but your head is starting to feel more and more  like it’s a bit disconnected from the rest of your body -you figure it would probably be a good idea to take a break from the great outdoors for a bit.  Before you can even finish nodding Yes, Father J has tossed you the water bottle again and shoots off into the brush, shouting “Be right back.”  A throaty roar sounds out from his direction after a few seconds, and shortly thereafter, a vehicle that looks like a beefed-up combination of an ATV and a golf cart comes shooting into the clearing.  Father J is at the wheel, and he nods at you to climb in on the passenger seat beside him.  You hop in, and he takes off through the brush, seemingly plowing through a no-man’s land, but with a distinct sense of purpose.  The blowing wind makes your mouth dry, so you polish off the rest of the water bottle without thinking.  “Great ayahuasca, huh?” Father J yells above the engine and the wind.  You’re confused.  “Aya What?”

Before you can clarify, Father J’s monster kart barrels out of the brush and on to an actual road, skidding into a breakneck left turn immediately upon impact with the pavement.  The road twists down the canyon, passing secluded driveways and discrete address markers indicating the presence of large homes or compounds set back among the brush.  Without warning and without losing speed, Father J pulls another breakneck turn, to the right this time, on to a dirt driveway that wasn’t visible until you were already on it.  The kart careens down this claustrophobic trail for several hundred feet before coming upon the front yard of an enormous canyon home.  Father J skids to a stop and hops out; you try to follow him but realize that your motor skills have been altered a bit.  Taking your time, you get down and stretch out, feeling like if you’re not careful, your feet could leave the ground at any second and you’d be hopelessly airborne.

The sounds of more music and the splashing laughter of a pool party can be heard from the house’s direction, and Father J puts a hand on your shoulder as you walk over.  “There’s a great new group playing tonight, got their first set of songs ready to go,” he says, handing over a neatly rolled J.  “Crosby, Nash, and Stills or something like that.  Here take this, it will calm you down in case things get touchy.”  You take it wordlessly, and as some vaguely familiar music twinkles from the house, you begin to get the distinct feeling that you are very, very far away from the L.A. that you call home.  Oh well, you think, as you continue concentrating on keeping your feet on the ground.  That will be something to deal with when you wake up.  And you trust Misty.

 

Bonus Father John Misty Track Covering Humor/Sex/Mischief in LA: