Tag Archives: Schlitz

I Wanna Party With You: Expendable Edition

17 Aug

Sometimes, you don’t really get to know what someone is really about until you can sit down, loosen the tie, and toss a couple back with them.  So whenever a particular group of people have piqued our interest here at DS, we figure the best way to learn more about them, and ourselves, is to take a look at what it would be like to party with them.  It’s social science, if you will.  This is I Wanna Party With You.  It’s heavy stuff.

Action Parties

The second installment of the Expendables movie franchise hits theaters this week, offering audiences the chance to see their (parents?) favorite action heroes team up on screen for another round of snappy one-liners and exploding body parts.  The sequel adds even more familiar action faces to the cast, with the likes of Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme coming out of semi-retirement to see if they can out-forearm-sweat Stallone, Statham, and the rest of the series regulars.

We all pretty much know what we’re going to get with the new Expendables.  There will be tons of body blows that land almost as hard as the muttered bits of dialogue.  There will be a lot of winking nods and outright jokes aimed at the stars’ ages, previous movies, and real-life histories.  There will be lots of shooting, gratuitous explosions, and at least one scene in which Stallone directs a plane to do things that spit in the face of rudimentary physics.  We know all of these things.  But what we don’t know, at least for most of us that didn’t frequent the Hollywood Hills house circuit in the late 80s – mid 90s, is what it’s like to party with these action stars.  After the sweat, blood and burn marks have been wiped off, after the last bullet fired and the last punch thrown, what are these brawny bros really like?  Let’s get to hypothesizing.

Sylvester Stallone

Stallone often seems to be one of, if not the most, creatively-minded members of this action star crew.  He’s been the driving force behind getting The Expendables going as a viable franchise, and in addition to directing the first Expendables, he’s also written several movies over the course of his career – including the iconic First Blood (Rambo 1) and Rocky.  While many of the other action guys have seemed content to stick to acting, Stallone has stood out in his creative drive and output.

That creative side is great when it comes to making movies, and it would probably make for some interesting conversation at points during drinks or at a party.  Part of that creative mindset, however, includes having a sensitive disposition – and that can lead to some uncomfortable or unfortunate moments.  In interviews he’s given, Stallone can at times come off as being a pretty defensive dude, and it’s easy to see that becoming magnified in a party situation.  All it takes is a couple of Patron shots and one flippant comment about short guys or the overrated aspects of Rocky, and all of a sudden you’ve got an angry little ball of tanned muscle looking for a rage outlet.  Not the most stable of party mates.

Good Party Meter:

5/10

 

Bruce Willis

The first thing we’d do if partying with Bruce would be to get on first nickname basis – it would be pretty sweet to be able to casually mention you’re ‘heading out to go get beers with Bruno.’  The people that know what you mean would know how special you are.  Besides the whole nickname thing, Bruce seems like he would be a pretty solid guy to share a couple of cold Schlitzes with.  He likes rock ‘n’ roll, he likes motorcycles, he’s John fucking McClane.  In short, he’s a man’s man, and would have tons of good stories to share.

The issue with Bruce is that there is a part of him that scares the shit out of us.  It’s not a loud and obnoxious style, but there’s a quiet rage inside of Bruce that is quite daunting.  This dormant rage played well in Live Free Or Die Hard – Bruce was very convincing as the father of a teenage daughter who just seethed with quiet anger at any and every guy who looked at her twice.  It wouldn’t play well, however, in a carefree party scene.  We can just imagine asking Bruce one too many times to say “Yippie-kay-a motherfucker,” after which he would just put his beer down and stare at us quietly as we dissolved into puddles of shame and self-hatred.  Party over, at least for us.

Good Party Meter:

6/10

 

Chuck Norris

Chuck has been the subject of many jokingly outlandish ‘Chuck Norris jokes’ over the last several years, so it would seem at first that he would be an early favorite to party with.  Have a beer with Chuck and make him do ridiculous things, like punch bears!  And then he’ll do them!  But, no.  This may be an unpopular opinion, but we’re personally not big fans of Mr. Chuck as a party companion.

His movies are alright, as far as ridiculous action movies go, and there are definitely a lot of unintentionally awesome scenes in Walker, Texas Ranger.  There have been many reports, however, that real-life Chuck is not like the action character Chuck.  That real-life Chuck is pretty convinced of his righteousness, and that he almost wouldn’t appear in The Expendables 2 because of the explicit language and other awesome things that earned the movie an ‘R’ rating.  So you can keep the played-out Chuck Norris jokes and go join Chuck at the soda fountain, because we’ll stick with Bruno and some Schlitzes.

Good Party Meter:

1/10

 

Jason Statham

Jason Statham is one of the few big names in The Expendables that is arguably still in his movie-making prime.  He’s definitely not in the same generation as the likes of Stallone and Schwarzenneger, and he’s still pumping out 1-2 solid action movies per year.  He hasn’t quite reached the worldwide mega-star status that those guys hit in the 80s, but he’s still got a solid reputation among action movie fans.  That would be a pretty good way to describe our impression of Jason as a party companion – solid.

Apart from a dry English wit that he usually sports in his movies, there’s not a lot to The Stath that indicates he’s got any crazy qualities that would come out after a few drinks.  And that’s both a good and bad thing.  Bad, because when compared to some of the other flamboyant characters on this list, he could get a little boring after a while.  Good, though, because in case anything goes down at said party, like Stallone losing his mind and going after anyone over 6 ft. tall, you can be assured that good ol’ Stath will have your back, no matter what.

Good Party Meter:

7/10

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold has been in some pretty awesome action movies over the years, but at this point, his silver-screen exploits have probably been eclipsed by the ridiculousness of his actual life.  The guy moved to the U.S. as a teenager, became a sensation in the body-building world, transitioned to movies and conquered that world for a time, and then moved on to politics and became governor of the biggest state in America.  Along the way, he’s shown at many points that he’s got a pretty good sense of humor, and he loves to have a good time.

Say what you will about his recent marital troubles – this guy is by all accounts a pretty interesting person to hang out with.  We would love to get Arnold in a party setting, pull out some beer and some bud, see if the Party Arnold of this and this is still around, and if it is, if Party Arnold would like to come out and mingle.  We’re guessing that he is, and that he would.

Good Party Meter:

9/10

 

Party On…

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Friday Relief

13 Jul

Today is Friday the 13th, a date that means different things to different people.  For most, it’s just another Friday – one that perhaps starts with a few productive hours at work before dissolving into a haze of Dirty Shirleys and apple bongs.  For the easily-spooked among us, Friday the 13th is a cause for anything from mild worry to all-out concern – forcing some to call in sick to work, strap a protective helmet on, and stay huddled on the couch with the cats until 12:01 am on Saturday morning.  To each his own.

One thing that Friday the 13th means to DS is that it offers a chance to once again call up images of Kevin Bacon & Co. parading around in counselor-issued jorts and tank tops.  Watching Kev and the other camp counselors smoking grass, drinking pop-top Schlitz, and being chased all over the woods by a crazed Mrs. Voorhees is not a bad way to kick off your own Friday the 13th.

To get you started:

 

Stay safe out there.

I Wanna Party With You: Hero Edition

5 Jul

Sometimes, you don’t really get to know what someone is really about until you can sit down, loosen the tie, and toss a couple back with them.  So whenever a particular group of people have piqued our interest here at DS, we figure the best way to learn more about them, and ourselves, is to take a look at what it would be like to party with them.  It’s social science, if you will.  This is I Wanna Party With You.  It’s heavy stuff.

Super Parties

Some of the biggest characters of the 2012 Summer movie season are guys who spend a lot of their time messing around in costumes.  From the Avengers to Spider-Man to Batman, the general public are clearly interested in these guys, as their movies are drawing huge crowds at box offices all over the world.  A lot of these heroes’ appeal has to do with their affinity for awe-inspiring action sequences.  But what are they like when the special effects end?  When they take off their masks or capes and pour themselves a cold one at the end of the day?  When one beer turns to seven turns to twenty?

Note:  In this study, we’re going to use the 2012 movie versions of these characters.  

Batman (Bruce Wayne):

When you party with Batman, the good part is that you are partying with Bruce Wayne as well.  The Bruce Wayne who dates four models at a time, drives souped-up sports cars, and buys entire city blocks on a whim.  Bruce has more money than he knows what to do with, and he seems pretty cool with spending wildly.  This could lead to some memorable party opportunities, and you know that you would never have to foot the bill.

The downside of partying with Bruce Wayne is that eventually, Batman will come out.  And that makes us nervous.  Batman is a great guy to have on your side when you’re going up against a bunch of bad guys.  But a big part of his hero shtick is an unrelenting intensity that doesn’t play too well in party settings.  Or really, any kind of civilized, normal setting.  Suppose you’re partying with Bruce Wayne, drinking $500,000 bottles of champagne, when all of a sudden he slips into the gruff, husky Batman voice and loses his mind.  The next thing you know, the fun has stopped and you’re in the middle of that drunken wrestling scene from The Hurt Locker.  With someone who looks suspiciously like Patrick Bateman.  And that’s not a place you want to be.

Good Party Meter:

5/10

 

Thor (Thor)

It seems like it would be a great time to sit around a big banquet table and swig mugs of mead with Thor.  There would preferably be a lot of magical medieval things to keep everyone entertained, and Thor would presumably have no problem with getting rip-roaring drunk.  After he’d gone through a few mugs, the hammer would come out for some party tricks, and maybe he’d even call in some thunder and lightning for good measure.  He’s also got the Long Hair Don’t Care party look down.

The only drawback with Thor is that he kind of comes off as a haughty prick sometimes – he lets all the ‘royalty’ and ‘god’ stuff go to his head, and he has no problem letting everyone know how super awesome and jacked he is.  That could be pretty annoying when you’re just trying to take it easy and sip some mead.

Good Party Meter:

7/10

 

Iron Man (Tony Stark)

Partying with Iron Man means you get to party with another guy with silly amounts of money, with the added bonus that Tony Stark doesn’t seem prone to rage blackouts a la Bruce Wayne.  Tony Stark is a technical genius who enjoys having a good time, which provides for party scenarios in which he’s fashioning some crazy-cool gadgets to play with while you hang out in his infinity pool with a bevy of models.

As we’ve seen in his previous movies, Tony Stark doesn’t have a problem with getting drunk while in the Iron Man suit.  He also has several extra suits at his place, just sitting there unused.  This all means that you could party with Tony for a bit, and then slyly drop hints about pulling the suits out.  Once Tony has already started getting his suit on, what’s to stop him from letting you get in one of the extras?  All of a sudden, you’ve gone from a few casual beers to slipping on a near-invincible suit of armor with cool gadgets that allows you to fly.  Tony Stark, we wanna party with you.

Good Party Meter:

10/10

 

Captain America (Steve Rogers)

It’s tough to say anything bad about Steve Rogers.  He’s an American hero who kicked a lot of Nazi ass.  He seems like the nicest guy imaginable, without a sinister bone in his genetically-jacked-up body.  And as Captain America, he can do some pretty sweet things with that shield of his.  The problem with Steve when it comes to partying is that for all of his awesome qualities, he appears pretty boring at times.  Boring in the wholesome, white-washed-product-of-the-40s way.  And almost too good.

We have to wonder if Captain will just stand there judging us as we reach for the third beer.  When he’s only halfway through his first.  And if we crack some dirty jokes, just to lighten up the mood, will Captain just respond with a stony silence, making everyone feel awkward?  We hope that this isn’t the case.  We would hope that Steve would loosen up after a few beers, let his figurative hair down, and do some cool tricks with the super strength of his.  It just could go either way.

Good Party Meter:

6/10

 

Spider-Man (Peter Parker)

2012’s cinematic incarnation of the Web Slinger is still in high school.  Which means that while partying with Peter Parker could be fun, with his nifty web-shooting party tricks and Spidey Sense letting you know when the cops are on their way, it also means that you’re partying with a high schooler.  And there are a lot of issues that go along with that.

When you party with someone in high school, you’re facing a wide range of potential outcomes.  Wild and unpredictable emotional swings, pretending to be drunk, throwing up everywhere, getting bad attitudes, the whole legal issue of giving alcohol to minors.  It’s just not very appealing.  And that’s the problem when partying with Spidey.  There’s a good chance that after his third Bud Light Lime, he’s going to start crying uncontrollably about Emma Stone, try to punch you out when you console him, and end up puking all over your cat before passing out on your couch.  Thanks, Pete, but we’ll wait a couple of years.

Good Party Meter:

3/10

 

The Hulk (Bruce Banner)

This is a no-brainer.  Mark Ruffalo seems like a really chill guy who enjoys some brews, some bud, and some pretty ladies.  But do you want to give alcoholic beverages to someone who turns into a giant rage beast when he loses the slightest bit of control over himself?  Us neither.  Sorry Bruce.

Good Party Meter:

0/10

 

Party On…

Summer Livin’: Camping Trips

21 Jun

Editor’s Note:  Summer Livin’ is a segment in which we ask our friend Steed to offer some words of wisdom on how to best enjoy certain staples of the summer months.  For further reason as to why this should be appointment Internet all summer long, check out the Introduction.  On to the easy livin’.  

“There’s one summer tradition that has gone down every single year of my life.  The camping trip.  Or trips, if you’re lucky.  My parents were avid summer campers back in the day, and they took us out into the great outdoors at least a few weekends every summer.  They taught me the basics of campground livin’, and I’ve continued the tradition on my own, throwing in some updates and personal touches where I see fit.

It’s no easy task to execute a successful camping trip, no matter who your fellow campers are going to be.  Sure, on the surface it looks pretty simple, and in some ways it is.  You need a tent, hopefully a nice lake or river nearby, some food to grill, some beer to drink, some stuff to burn.  But getting the right mix of all that, with the right people and in the right setting, is like a goddamned science.  And I’m a camping science wizard.  Let’s take a look at some of the tricky ingredients I work with.

Group

Before you start planning for any camping trip, you need to figure out who’s going to be coming with you, and what the collective mindset of the group will be.  You could be the head of a beautiful family of four, heading out with a couple other families.  In that case, you’re going to need an area where kids can play safely with minimal supervision while the parents get the margs flowing and make halfhearted passes at the other spouses.  Fun for young and old.

Things are a little bit different if you’re a young buck, hot-blooded and single, and you’re getting your like-minded friends together for a rowdy weekend in the trees.  In this case, you gotta decide if your group is going to be just you and the guys (or you and the girls, whatsup ladies) or a mix.  If it’s just unisex, then you’ve gotta make sure to find a social campsite somewhere, where you can meet and mingle with other groups of party people.  If your group is already a mix, then you can think about finding a more secluded camping spot, where everyone can allow the outdoor setting to bring out some freak flags.  Can you fit three in a sleeping bag?  You tell me.

Supplies

Since the whole point of your camping excursion is to get away from this material world we live in, you’re ideally going to be posted up somewhere without access to any stores, restaurants, or bars.  So you’re gonna need to pack everything you’ll end up needing.  First up, food.  You can’t really go wrong with a bung of dogs, burgs, and chicken.  You can get creative with it, by bringing some crazy BBQ marinade that a hot babe posted on Pinterest, but at the end of the day, you really just need some sustenance.  If it tastes good, point on you.  But don’t get too fancy.

Second up, most important – party supplies.  As awesome as camping is, you will eventually get to the point in the day where there is not much else to do besides sit around with your family/buds/potential lovers.  If it’s night time, then you’ll have the campfire to stare at, but the essence of the situation is still the same.  Getting away from the material world means you don’t have all your typical distractions around to take up your time.  So what do you do?  Drink my friends.  And maybe smoke a little something, if you’re so inclined.  That is the beauty of camping – it’s really all set up in the end for everyone to get blissfully buzzed (and beyond) among the beauty of nature.  So DO NOT forget the drinks.  Whiskey is usually a great option for warming yourself by the campfire, and then of course, there are the dirty 30s, of which you will need upwards of seven.  [Ed.’s Note: 30 packs of beer]  I’m a Schlitz man myself, but really anything sudsy will do the trick in the woods.  If you want to spice it up with some tequila or homemade sangria, then by all means, go crazy.  There are no laws when you’re camping.  [Ed.’s Note: There are]

Music

Another basic ingredient of any good camping trip is also the basic ingredient of any good social gathering – music.  There are a few options when it comes to crafting the perfect soundtrack for your nature excursion.  First, because of the wonderful and mysterious tech times we live in, you can bring out some iPod speakers and show off your diverse music library to everyone within hearing range.  This is probably your best bet, or at least an option to always keep around.  With all of your music at your finger tips, you can shift the entire feeling of your camping trip with the press of a button.

This is a relatively recent upgrade to the whole camping music thing, because back when I was growing up, we didn’t have anything close to this.  We made do – Dad was a big time Van Halen fan, so he had each kid learn a musical part of the entire Van Halen album, from vocals all the way to guitar lines.  When we were out camping, he’d shout out a song title, like “Feel Your Love Tonight,” and we would drop everything and perform the song on the spot.  I usually shifted back and forth between doing David Lee Roth’s vocals and Eddie’s guitar licks (with my voice) so it wasn’t a bad way to go.  Just got tiring after a while.  So I’m glad to see the iPod speakers these days.

The second way to go with music on the camping trip is to befriend someone who is really good at the guitar.  When the stars come out, the fire gets lit, and your thirteenth beer is cracked, the acoustic guitar sing-a-long is the greatest thing in the world.  The guitar player needs to be okay with granting shouted song requests, and should ideally be able to keep it together from a musical standpoint when the whiskey comes out.  And he should be able to play “Crash”.  If I can’t hear “Crash” at least once around the fire, then the entire trip is ruined.

Those three basic elements are really all you need to worry about when putting together a great camping trip.  If you get these things figured out, then everything else pretty much falls into place.  The camping trip is really one of the most American things I can think of doing during the summer, and I will be venturing out to the woods several times this year.  If you happen to be out enjoying nature as well, and come across a campsite decked out with mansion tents, dirty 30s, and “Running With The Devil,” come join the party.  There’s always room for one more around the fire.”

Bracket Bustin’: South & West Regions

13 Mar

America loves any excuse to turn an event into an Event.  Particularly over the last several years, certain happenings from the worlds of sports, entertainment, or minor holidays have become cultural institutions that can serve as common talking points for anyone with a TV or access to the Internet.  You could go years without seeing a single football game, yet still obligated to attend your neighbor’s Super Bowl party and act interested for four hours.  The day after Thanksgiving is no longer just a casual day off – it’s Black Friday, a violent and fearful Event shared by millions across the country.  And the NCAA tournament is not just a collegiate sporting event.  It’s March Madness, a glorious Event in which normally mild-mannered and upstanding working folk fall all over themselves to throw wads of cash into unregulated gambling rings and shirk their professional responsibilities for two whole days.

Is this a bad thing?  No.  March Madness is American through and through, and because Dan Swanky’s loves America, we have no choice but to add our own noise to this Event.  (This is also a perfect opportunity for us to open up the new Sports Section of our fine establishment.)  Since you’re probably deep in the midst of bracket fatigue by now, we’ll eschew that tidy and constrictive type of breakdown and instead offer up some freeform thinking on each region of the tournament.  We may not be entirely objective and our feelings may color our judgment, but we’re not messing around.  So have a Schlitz and grab a pen.

South Bracket

Randall P. Floyd:

– Kentucky is the Tourney’s No. 1 overall this year, and I’d have to agree with that assessment.  Even though head coach John Calipari is the sports equivalent of a shifty used car salesman, this year he has pulled the reverse Ashley Schaeffer and has moved from pimping Kias to proudly featuring top-of-the-line BMWs on his lot.  Starting with the (arguably) Number One Player In The Country Anthony Davis, Kentucky is stacked with talent and should make it out of this region, at the very least.

– If Duke and Notre Dame both win their first games and meet in the Round of 32, we’ll be treated to the highest concentration of Pure Class the tournament has seen in a long time.  I mean, isn’t this what the Game is all about?  Just a bunch of bros taking off the polos and putting the textbooks down long enough to Play The Game The Right Way?  Count me in.

–  To be fair to Duke, (which is tough) they’ve got a great point guard in Austin Rivers, and with Coach K once again being gifted a fairly unremarkable bracket draw, they’ll probably make some noise in the tourney again this year.  Fundamentals, baby.

–  I like a Baylor-Duke matchup coming in the Sweet Sixteen, which will be an interesting game as Baylor has some exciting athleticism going up against Duke’s controlled and heady style.  The only negative going against Baylor right now is their unfortunate push to bring the Oregon-style jerseys to college basketball.  The neon green and camo unis should be quickly swept under the rug.

– Kentucky vs. Baylor in the Elite Eight because you’re only going to get a Swanky approval for Duke from my esteemed partner.

Donovan Kess: 

My favorite teams from the Coach K Region:

Kentucky.  Kentucky is a fortress of domination and a favored team to win the Tournament. They are highly consistent and the recent loss to Vanderbilt is a blessing in disguise as it will provide the boost needed to charge into the tournament energized.

Wichita State.  The experienced Shocker’s will defeat the underdog favorite VCU in Round 1, and then manage the winner of Indiana vs. New Mexico St. in Round 2. The attentiveness achieved from these two victories should set them up nicely to battle against Kentucky, which would be the greatest challenge of Wichita State’s 2012 season.

UNLV.  An early season victory against Carolina is the blueprint to follow for success. They need to find the intensity of that game and sustain it early in the tournament with the possible second and third round opponents of Baylor and Duke.

Duke.  For most Cameron Crazies, the disappointment of last week’s loss to Carolina has been replaced by the pleasure of no longer having to share a tent with 12 other people. Duke has had a great ride this season, and has seen a few of its players mature to tournament quality, including Austin Rivers and Ryan Kelly. The keys to success will be maintaining a high level of perimeter play, improving rebounding, and cutting down on the amount of turnovers. A possible second round match up against Notre Dame is about as far forward as the Blue Devil’s should be looking.

 

West Bracket

RPF:

–  Michigan State seems to come in under the radar a lot for Tourney time, but by the time the Elite Eight comes around, there they are again for yet another year.  They don’t seem like a sexy pick this year, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they make another long run.  They’re just kind of like that bland guy with a nice watch and a steady job who eventually ends up marrying the hottest woman in town.  You’re not sure how, you kind of expected it, and you can’t really be that mad about it.

–  Billikens is a delightful word to say.  I will wear it out while I can.

–  After a few seasons of Breaking Bad, it seems like New Mexico may be one of the most depressing places to live in America. I don’t know too much about the University of New Mexico team this year, but I think maybe they need this one.  So they’ve got my backing.

–  Speaking of depressing places in America, here comes BYU.  They don’t have my backing.

–  Billy Donovan continues to be the slicked-back ageless wonder of NCAA basketball.  I swear he’s been coaching Florida basketball for at least twenty years.

–  I really like Missouri this year and think they’ve got a shot to win it all.  Murray State might be a little bit of a dark horse in this region, but Missouri is athletic, deep, and confident – in addition to being fun to watch.  It looks like Marquette vs. Missouri and MSU vs. New Mexico in the Sweet Sixteen, with a solid Mizzou vs. MSU matchup deciding one of the Final Four.

DK:

Michigan State.  Tom Izzo knew his team would need tournament competition early on, so he scheduled the first games against Carolina and Duke. Although they lost both, this strategy set the bar high for a successful season and number 1 seed. The high seed should propel the Spartan’s safely to the Sweet Sixteen, where I predict they will face a strong Louisville team.

Louisville.  Fresh off a Big East championship win, Louisville is ready to do some damage and prove they can compete with the best. They have more than the required defensive skills but need to get hot behind the arc and faster with transitions if they are going to have any change against Michigan St.

Marquette.  Marquette will outplay Florida in Round 1 and then will be challenged by Murray State in Round 2, however the Golden Eagles’ high scoring Senior duo will push them to victory and a spot in this year’s Sweet Sixteen.

Missouri.  A highly competitive season netted victories versus Kansas and Baylor. With multiple players skilled at the 3-ball it is up to destiny to see how far the deep ball will take them. Faced with a difficult path to the final four, Missouri has to stay focused.

Stay tuned for the Midwest and East regional breakdowns from Swanky’s Sports.

Friday Relief

6 Jan