Tag Archives: TheGosling

The Day That Doesn’t Count

29 Feb

We were talking with our resident Steed earlier this week and the concept of a Leap Day came up.  Steed had never heard of this calendar phenomenon before, so we gave him a quick rundown.  He pretty much zoned out everything except for the basic idea of getting an extra day every four years, but as far as the extra day thing was concerned, he was floored. 

You could see the wheels in his head turning rapidly to process this world-altering news, and judging by the mischievous glint that soon appeared in his eyes, it was clear that his personal vision of a Leap Day was a bit skewed.  To find out a bit more, we casually asked if he could share some of the ways he would celebrate such a Day.  It’s still not clear what he truly believes about the workings of Leap Day, or if he even knows that 2012 is a Leap Year.  But he definitely has some bold plans.

Steed:  “So this Leap Day business up and went and blew my mind when I heard about it recently, and after I chewed it over for a bit, the only thing I could think of for the next several days was how amazing a Free Day is going to be, and what kind of things I should do when it comes about.  Since there are only 24 hours in a day, the magic runs out quickly, and there isn’t time to do just quite everything.  But I still have quite an action-packed list to get through.

Enjoy an ice-cold six pack of Bartles & Jaymes.

This might seem a trivial thing to do when the world is open at your feet, but I have been quietly craving these brightly hued beauties for years.  Of course, to be seen drinking them by anyone would take away any shred of respect I still have.  So I can only eye them wistfully on their shelves as I reach for the same old microbrew again and again.  But not on my Free Day!  I can drink whatever I want and it will never matter.  I’ll have to do some flavor research so I’m ready when the time comes.  With options like Sangria and Fuzzy Navel, this is no easy choice.

Experience the zoo.

I don’t know about you, but to me the zoo is full of tantalizing potential that could never be realized – unless it’s a Free Day.  At a really nice zoo the animals have all kinds of fun areas to jaunt around in, with the water exhibits in particular looking like the greatest pools I could ever imagine.  If my Leap Day happened to find me at the zoo, I would jump at the opportunity to smoke a little grah, throw the board shorts on, and spend an awesome hour swimming around with the river otters.  Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have a good time going down a fake waterfall with a couple of carefree otters.

‘Borrow’ a Metro Bus or a police horse.

The question of bus or horse comes down to whichever I come across unattended first.  These are two powerful forms of transportation that scream “Joy Ride,” and are left unattended in crowded areas far more often than one would expect.  The allure of a police horse is pretty self-explanatory – I’m getting emotional even now at the thought of galloping shirtless through the city streets while ladies swoon all around me.  For the bus, I can admit to being a little envious of those gloved Metro drivers as they casually swing their extended Super Buses in graceful arcs around street corners.  The chance to be at the helm of that iron dragon as I power through town is too tempting to pass up on a Day That Doesn’t Count.

Quit in spectacular fashion.

I know I’m not the only one with a boss who seems to delight in stealing my joie de vivre every chance he gets, and I would jump at the chance to get a Leap Day opportunity of saying Fuck You, I’m Out with no repurcussions.  I definitely don’t want to just leave it at a verbal F U, however.  I’ve been watching flamboyant scenes of quitting in movies and TV for years now, and I’m definitely ready to take my own shot at it.  As soon as my boss makes his first inappropriate comment of the day, I’ll throw everything off of my desk with one sweep of my arm.  Not Today Steve, I’ll say, as I march down to the corner office to take a page out of Eduardo’s playbook.  I’ll throw the boss’ laptop down on the ground, coolly say You Better Lawyer Up Asshole, and give his secretary a passionate smooch on my way out the door.

Rush the playfield, sans pants.

I’ve always thought about the pure adrenaline rush that must come from streaking through a nationally-publicized sporting event.  The flashbulbs are popping, there are millions of eyes watching out in TV land, and all of a sudden you take center stage in your full uncensored glory.  That would truly be a once-in-a-lifetime thrill, but the rough takedowns and criminal charges that accompany such a stunt have always held me back from going for it.  But not when it Doesn’t Count.  Then it’s definitely going down, and to make the most of it, I would look for the biggest sporting event around on that specific day.  Basketball court, baseball diamond, football field – one of those will be my canvas as I present a work of living art to the world.  I’m going to start training with some wind sprints today.

Get my music on the radio.

Okay, so this may be taking a page out of the Airheads playbook.  But that movie was a borderline classic and I have no reservations about following in Sandler’s footsteps.  I’ve been working on my full-length album “This One’s For You, Dad” for over 13 years now, and it is 10 tracks of keyboard-fueled power pop.  Like most masterpieces, I feel as though it may be well ahead of its time, based upon some questionable feedback I’ve gotten.  This is fine with me, but one of my dreams is to hear my tunes on the radio and I’m a bit worried that when the album finally does break through, I’ll be long gone.  So the Free Day provides a perfect opportunity for me to take my destiny in my own hands, and bum rush the local Hot 100 station with copies of my demos.  Since anything goes on Free Day, I’ll just use my black-belt skills to work my way to the DJ station, and will force that record to hit the airwaves.  A dream comes true.

‘Rob’ a bank.

By no means am I saying that I would like to do a Heat-style robbery, which is not in my pacifist nature.  But I’m a big fan of The Clooney, and I’ve watched that playful scamp make robbing banks look downright sexy for years.  I’ve always thought that I could pull off a small heist if I really put my mind to it, so isn’t Free Day the perfect time to try it out?  Even if you get caught, it won’t count at the end of the day anyways, right?  So, anyways, I’m thinking I could either do an Out of Sight plan or an Ocean’s Eleven plan.  With the Sight route, I’ll just saunter into my local megabank, slide a note to the hottest teller while flashing a brilliant smile, and saunter on out with a bag of bills in one hand and the teller in the other.  If I’m feeling more ambitious with an Ocean’s plan, I’d recruit another of my playfully handsome buddies to be Brad Pitt, and we’ll do something crazy like build a fake armored truck and use it to make money pick ups all over the city.  Might burn up a few more hours on Free Day than I would hope, but goodness what a story.

Tell Leila [redacted] how I really feel.

This one is pretty specific to me, but I know there are a lot of you out there that have someone like Leila in your life.  She is a standout beauty with radiant brown eyes and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since we first met a couple of months ago.  I’ve never got up the nerve to tell her how I feel, but the Free Day is the perfect opportunity to go all out.  She’s a one-of-a-kind lady, so I’ll have to go Big with my expression of love.  I’m thinking I’ll head to the Il Fornaio downtown when she’s working, and pull the fire alarm as she’s waiting on a table.  The sprinklers will start, setting the stage for an epic romantic scene.  Diners will rush out as I go to her in the rain, face-palming my competition, the douchey bartender Dale, on the way over.  I’ll shout that I Can’t Stop Thinking About You, and maybe add that I’ve been writing her for 365 days.  Hopefully she will jump into my arms and we’ll stroll out as new lovers.

Whatever you do, just make sure your Free Day is unforgettable.  They don’t come along often.”

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Personal Soundtrack

7 Nov

The Song

New Theory (RAC Mix) by Washed Out

RAC set themselves apart from the countless other remix artists out there by following a well-honed and simple formula: find the essence of a great song, pull out all of the structural aspects of the song that contribute to that essence, beef up those aspects, and plug them back in to the song along with some of their own stylistic touches. RAC’s work with “New Theory” follows their standard approach.  Washed Out are frontrunners in the chill-wave music scene, and their songs are spacey, laid-back soundscapes that get locked into a melody or synth riff and groove off on it for as long as they damn well please.  RAC’s mix of “New Theory” sounds distinctly like Washed Out, with the laid-back and ethereal vocals floating around catchy grooves, but this remix also adds a few more layers of synths and fills out the sound, making this version feel much more expansive than the original.  Overall, the “New Theory” remix is another solid RAC mix that builds upon the unique strengths of the original song to deliver a tune that stands well on its own.

The Activity

You just saw Drive, or you at least have an affinity for 80s crime-noir films filled with sequence of snightime cityscapes drenched in synths.  You’re driving, or sitting shotgun.  It’s probably nighttime.  It may or may not be raining.  You’re brooding on some kind of emotional score you have to settle, and the overwhelming theme in this vehicle would be cool.  You’re flexing your grip around your steering wheel, wishing you had some fingerless gloves, and setting your jaw as that imaginary camera in your mind pulls back for a wide shot of the urban landscape you’re driving in.  Doesn’t matter where you’re going.  With this song on, everything is lyrically moody and sunglasses are necessary.