Archive | December, 2011

Blitzed For The Holidays: Holiday Sale Shopping

31 Dec

[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

Holiday Sale Shopping

“A perfect storm of necessity and thriftiness came together to lead me to the downtown Macy’s yesterday.  I’d been getting a big earful of all the post-Xmas sales going on, and I was itching to get a big ‘statement-making’ number for the New Year’s Eve bash going on in a couple days.  So I hopped on my trusty trike and cruised downtown to see what treasures awaited on the sales racks.  As I got down towards the stores, I realized too late that I was heading to the heart of the post-holiday shopping clusterfuck bonanza.  Now, I’m about the most social guy you could ever hope to meet, but ever since a few unfortunate county fair incidents a couple years back, I’ve had some trouble keeping my cool in crowds.  As I parked my trike in the store’s garage and realized what kind of deal-crazed group I was facing, I reached for my Emergency Anxiety Kit I keep with me everywhere I go.  A few puffs and several pulls later, I was back to balanced out and feelin’ like my good self as I sauntered over the sky-bridge and into the breach.

The first section I came to was Women’s Delicates, and before I realized it, I was swimming in a sea of pink satin and hard bods, and I was having trouble telling which way was up.  Now, I had already bought some lacy gifts for the girlfriends the week before (and they loved ’em) but that Anxiety Kit had me feeling sporty and I couldn’t help but ask the beautiful blonde salesperson if there was anyone helping her pick out something that she liked.  She looked ready to give me the go-ahead when she was pulled away by a stern looking couple inquiring about a Her’s and Her’s sale.  I made a mental note to come back later, and continued on down the escalator to the Men’s Section, which was currently under siege by an assortment of determined moms and wives.  I wasn’t sure exactly what kind of outfit I was looking for to bring in the New Year, but I had the word ‘dazzle’ in mind, so I took a deep breath and plunged in to see what I could find.  After a few minutes of slamdancing in the formal wear section, I saw a sparkle-studded plaid Ed Hardy number with matching dragon pants, and knew that my search was complete.

As I reached for my prize,  a husky voice behind me told me to Leave it, those are for My Man.  Keeping a firm grip on the clothes, I turned to face my combatant and saw a short 20something lady with a pierced nose and a heavy scowl.  I told her Better Luck Next Year and began to jostle over to the cashier, fearing that my Anxiety Kit was beginning to wear off.  I had almost gotten home free when I felt a vise grip around my ankle and what can only be described as a low growl.  Before I knew it, my feet were out from under me and I was face down on the ground, getting kicked out by Nose Piercing and her entourage, demanding that I give the clothes up.  No Anxiety Kit could stand up to this, and I blacked out for a second before yelling NOT TODAY and CT-walked my way over to the cashier with Nose Piercing on my back.  She finally rolled off when my purchase was complete, and told me to watch myself as security took care of it.  Bloodied but victorious, I headed back to the trike, but not before putting the studded sparkles on and getting Lingerie’s number.  This New Year’s Eve is going to be coming in hot.”


Personal Christmas Soundtrack

25 Dec

The Song

Xmas Curtain by My Morning Jacket


A holiday offering from My Morning Jacket?  Well, it’s not entirely clear what the titular Christmas curtain is all about.  But “Xmas Curtain” is a Christmas song in my book, if only so that I can have an excuse every year to spike the standard holiday song rotation with a little flavor from the Jacket.  If you’re going to do Christmas with MMJ, then you’re going to do it on their terms, and “Xmas Curtain” is a tuneful example.  The song is a big, rambling mixture of big drums, bubbling guitar hooks, slide guitar, and oh yeah, steel drums.  The singular talent of Jim James and the rest of the band pull all of these seemingly disparate elements together into a satisfying song that sounds totally unique, in the way that only a reggae-tinged country-rock jam session can.  And those steel drums?  Not superfluous at all.  Like Lebowski’s rug, they tie everything together, and sound pretty fucking cool.

The Activity

You’re at a family party on Christmas Eve, and Uncle Jimbo, your ponytailed uncle who works on the road crew for Dave Matthews, has just polished off his eighth whiskey of the night.  He just went outside to “check on the dog” and came back in high as a kite and carrying his favorite acoustic guitar.  He proceeds to kick off his Tom’s, sit down next to the Christmas tree, and unleash a jam session that doesn’t have a predetermined set list, or ending point.  The holiday spirits (and grass) seem to have gotten the creative juices flowing for Uncle Jimbo, and he’s putting out some catchy riffs on Christmas classics, with a peaceful grin spread wide across his bearded face.  At some point, a couple of the other uncles finish their beverages and saunter over, sitting down around Jimbo in a rough circle.  One of them begins to drum his thighs in a jerky rhythm, and another adds an angelic backing voice to Jimbo’s croon.  You’ve probably gone out to ‘check on the dog’ as well while everyone’s attention was on Jimbo, and when you return you sit and enjoy a rendition of “Santa’s Coming to Town, Man”.  The fire’s going, the nog is flowing, and all is good as Jimbo starts up “Xmas Curtain.”

Blitzed For The Holidays: Elf

22 Dec

[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]


“I learned the hard way that what’s funny for big Will Ferrell isn’t funny for everyone.  This is especially true when it comes to dressing up as a human-sized elf and trying to spread the spirit of Christmas to all of the tight-assed party crashers out there.  Basically, I was visiting my big bro and my niece and nephew, both of them circa 8 years old, and both are awesome little dudes.  They love Uncle [name redacted] as well, and to give them a great holiday treat a couple years back, I rigged up a green suit and dressed up as Elf from one of their favorite movies, Elf.

If you know me, you know I don’t do anything halfways, so as soon as I got those green leggings on, I tapped into everything I’d learned down at the Community College acting class, and resolved to become Buddy the Elf for the next few hours.  I took a page out of the books of some of the great actors of the day, and helped myself get into the mind of my character by taking down about 3 flasks of Rumple Minze, which, combined with the 10 repeat viewings of “Elf” the day before, definitely did the trick.

So once I get my Elf rig on and my mindset right, I go to surprise my two favorite relatives and their parents at the Ice Rink downtown.  They were having some family outing or something, I dunno, and they were all super pumped when they saw me.  I started spouting some patented Elf lines (What’s your favorite color!) while the kids jumped for joy, and my bro played right along, asking me “What the Hell are you doing and where are your pants” like the grumpy old dad in the movie.  By this point, I had fully inhabited the Elf character, so I told the kids to follow me as I took off sprinting towards the North Pole Village, set up next to the Rink.

As soon as I saw the Santa Claus guy on his little chair, I did my best Ferrell “Santa!” yell and ran up to hop on his lap.  I landed right on the guy and he must not have been ready for me, because he let out a little yelp and we both tumbled through the backdrop behind his chair, rolling through a bunch of shoppers waiting in line.  Before I could look to see if my niece and nephew were watching this great piece of improv, Fake Santa was tazing me and yelling for security.  Luckily, this was some little dime store taser, and with the mix of adrenaline and Rumple Minze, I shook it off and, in a rare slip of character that still disappoints me today, socked him right in the face.

Turned out Fake Santa had a chin on him, and we traded blows for a few minutes as a crowd gathered and cheered us on.  The police stepped in right about the time I pulled Fake Santa’s red jacket over his head and punched him clean out of it, and before I knew it, I was face down with cuffs on.

Luckily, my bro stepped in and helped bail me out, and I did a great Buddy Christmas Carol rendition on our way back home from the station.  Fake Santa and I made our amends, and we’re drinking buddies now, we even split the $8,000 in damages those miserly North Pole owners charged.  I put the Elf character away, but have been working on some new material lately, so fingers crossed.”

On Bended Knee: Band or DJ?

19 Dec

(Editor’s Note: On Bended Knee delivers the gritty details of wedding planning straight from those with their ears to the pavement.)

Band or DJ?

The fading memories of high school dances are subtly enhanced by a seductive rhythm playing on repeat from the depths of a time we would rather forget. This subconscious harmony was the product of a fledgling DJ who still, 10 years later, uses lines from “Bye, Bye, Bye”  to attract women at bars that we haven’t frequented since they took our fake ID’s. Compare that memory to the pinnacle of live concerts (Dave Matthews Band at The Gorge to be precise) and the choice for wedding entertainment is obvious.

The only real objective decision is between a cover band or the local alt rock all stars. Both types of groups provide a unique atmosphere, however the choice is honestly best made on personal preference. Be sure to remember that intoxication of the performers plays a major role in the success of the event, although it is safe to say that regardless of the drug buffet provided, as long as alcohol is involved the night will go off without a hitch. Most modern day Wedding Singers prefer a few bumps of White Elephant before taking the stage, however if a Bohemian Cover Group is selected they might prefer top shelf grass, at a minimum.

Song selection is also a major component of every wedding. Most performers have an endless catalog of love ballads and mindless rock anthems to softly swoon party guests into near psychosis. We suggest tossing out all previous lists and requiring your band to learn new material. This encourages a minimum commitment to your gig and if they fail to play your requested songs you can always maximize cash flow later on in small claims court.

A few tips:

  • Grooms, be sure to note the slow songs in advance so your best men have an opportunity to get the best partners before Uncle Trent realizes he isn’t at his usual dive bar on his usual Saturday night.
  • Brides, be sure to brush up on your rebuttals, as you will be forced to dance with no less than 10 different men on your special night. No, not Prima Noctra.
  • Ultimately, music is the mood of the party. A mix of slow and fast beats sets the stage for an unforgettable occasion.

Blitzed for the Holidays: White Elephant Party

16 Dec

[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

White Elephant Parties

“One of my close associates invited me to a holiday party last week, and after I had already said “Fuck and yes” he told me it was a White Elephant party.  He asked if I was cool with that, and I said ‘Yeah, man, are you cool?’ and then my minutes ran out so I couldn’t much more details beyond the time and place.

I go on living my life, then the day of the party comes and I get dressed up in my holiday attire, vest and everything, and hop in the IROC.  Now, I know I haven’t been the best party guest in the past, and I wanted to change that this time, so I stopped off at Heems’ place on the way over to pick up some White Elephant and ensure that I wouldn’t be coming over empty-handed.  No freeloadin’ here.  The party was across town, and I got stuck in traffic leaving from Heems’, making me about 45 minutes late.  I didn’t want to be left out when I got there, so I took my share of the Elephant on the way and was pretty tusked up by the time I walked in to the party, if you know what I mean. [Ed.’s note: We don’t]

So I come gliding into the party and there’s a good amount of people there, just kind of milling about.  Not as amped up as I was expecting, but I chalked that up to the early hour.  The Elephant usually starts kicking bout 2-3 hours in.  Anyways, I sidle up next to the open bar and am taking the edge off with a hot toddy when a hot little number in a cocktail dress and reindeer antlers walks over.  I introduce myself and we get to talking, not sure how long we’re there for but sooner or later the host calls out for everyone to start the White Elephant in the living room.  Well shit, I think, here I went and got a head start on everyone, and as I’m pulling my bag of extras out, everyone moves into the side room and sits down around a table of presents.  At this point I was starting to lose feeling in my legs, so I just went with it and sat on down next to Reindeer Antlers, who was getting friendlier with the minute.

Well I’m sitting there for a bit, trying to keep my head on my shoulders, if you dig me, while people are drawing numbers and taking presents off the table.  I wanted to keep my status as a good guest going, so I tossed my Elephant bag right in there and sat back to play hungry eyes with my new lady pal, who, combined with the good ol’ WE, had managed to get me standing at full attention.

At some point, Reindeer notices the third guest in our private party, and gives me a nod towards the bathroom ’round the corner.  I may be some things, but I’m not stupid and I crouch-walked my way out of the living room and we got the fun started over the bathroom sink.  Pretty soon after the pants came down, I finally lost the battle with the Elephant and had one of those patented love blackouts.  She must have felt the love too, because we were both hooting and hollering up a damn storm, drawing a crowd that included her husband, who kicked down the door and collared me up, yelling about What the Hell Was Going On.  Reindeer responded, Why Don’t You Go Ask Your Tim Tebow Highlight Reel, and this little interchange allowed me to roll my way down the hall and right out to the bar, where I grabbed a Schlitz to go and took my leave of the party.  Never did get to find out what the hell was going on with those White Elephant presents, but my personal Elephant at least had enough kick left for my power sprint back home.”

Ballad of the Wet Bandits

13 Dec

Casually drop a Home Alone quote to anyone in the 20 – 27 age demographic, even if it’s completely out of the blue, and you’ll probably get a knowing smile at least half the time.  Released in 1990, Home Alone was a massive cultural force for grade-school kids upon its initial release, and has remained a holiday staple for over two decades, carried along by its initial target audience through high school, college, and into the real world.

What seems like a forgettable holiday kids flick on the surface – an 8-year old uses toys and appliances to defend his home from hardened criminals – remains remarkably fresh and enjoyable when re-watched today (although the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia do play a significant part in that enjoyment).  The film’s quality makes more sense when you consider that the late, great John Hughes wrote and produced the film, and his skill in writing memorable scenes with relatable characters is evident.  But beyond the mere fact of Hughes’ involvement, what is it specifically about Home Alone that has elevated it to the status of a minor holiday classic, at least when you’re talking to a particular generation?  Since it’s the holidays, lets pull out the Rumplemintz and turn on the VCR.


The familiar twinkle of music that opens the movie and the short sequence that introduces the title is a solid introduction to the underlying tone of the story.  There’s a definite sense of mystery and a bit of spookiness in the music, and that feeling extends throughout the movie, particularly in the night before the McAllisters disappear, and also during the climactic night in which the thieves attack the house.  The best Christmas stories and movies have that underlying level of spookiness and mystery about them (A Christmas Carol, The Polar Express [book]) and it works well to give the unfolding story some suspense and thematic weight.

“Pack my suitcase?”

The first introduction to Kevin comes as he strolls through the commotion at his house with a distinct attitude.  Kevin is the clear focus of Home Alone and for kids growing up with the movie, it was impossible not to immediately identify with him as the Man.  His snappy comebacks, self-confident ability to talk with Grown-Ups and do Grown-Up things were all factors that led countless kids, myself among them, to emulate his demeanor and mimic his speech.  I don’t even know how many times that my 8-year-old self would maintain a running dialogue to an imaginary audience, peppered with Kevin quotes, whenever the inspiration struck me.  Usually, it was just to narrate my actions, or express my constant disbelief that something was happening.  But because Kevin did it, and because we watched Kevin do it all the time, it was cool.  The suitcase scene is a perfect introduction to Kevin’s patented indignant reactions.

 “The salt turns the bodies…into mummies.”

The strange old person on the neighborhood block was something that many kids were familiar with.  They owned the houses that were the source of all kinds of absurd stories spouted by kids trying to be tough.  That strange neighbor may actually have had a heart of gold, and I’m sure many of them did.  But the South Bend Shovel Slayer is not helping his case in this situation by dressing like a hobo and slamming a bloodied hand down in front of an 8-year-old trying to buy a toothbrush.  If he did that to me right now there’s a good chance I would follow Kevin’s lead and slowly back my way out of the store and out to safety.

 “Look what you did, you little jerk.”

“Put-put-put it – Put it in your purse!”

Some of the best lines in the movie are courtesy of the one and only Uncle Frank, the dirty old uncle in the McAllister family that drinks, watches inappropriate movies, and plays by his own rules.  Uncle Frank plays a very minimal role in the movie, but his instantly memorable contributions are indicative of the unique and compelling supporting characters that Hughes peppers Home Alone with.  These characters turn small throwaway scenes into highly quotable exchanges that keep the movie humming along.  Frank spits out that “Look what you did, you little jerk” and manages to turn verbal assault of a child into comedy gold.

 “Fuller, goes easy on the Pepsi”

Speaking of supporting characters turning minimal parts into entertaining and unforgettable scenes – here we have Uncle Frank’s favorite (I would assume, he’d be my favorite) son, Fuller.  Fuller pretty much has one joke to his role – he pisses the bed when he drinks Pepsi – but damn, does the movie get mileage out of that joke.  Fuller’s eyebrow raise to Kevin as he chugs his Pepsi is 1) hilarious, and 2) a great example of the little exchanges that can pass between kids without adults catching on.  Kevin’s “He’ll pee all over me” plea to his mom is the perfect capper to the Fuller saga.

“I made my family disappear.”

The scene with Kevin waking up to an empty house marks the point when it truly becomes his movie, and he marks the occasion by sharing his thoughts directly with the audience.  Kevin is by himself for a good stretch of the movie, and while one would assume that this would cut down on a lot of the speaking in these scenes, we instead are treated to a sassy narration of his activities.  Major props should go to Macauley Culkin for his ability to carry a lot of the movie on his own, with a good mix of confidence and self-deprecation.  As discussed before, Kevin’s tendencies to think out loud were immediately picked up by kids everywhere, including yours truly, and parents were treated to smarmy one-liners for many future Christmases.

“Buzz!  Your girlfriend!  Woof!”

It’s highly entertaining to think of Buzz McAllister in his 20s – probably still living in his parent’s basement, driving an IROC Camaro, and smoking a pack of Kools a day, all while continuing to think he’s God’s gift to the world.  He’s still got a weekly allowance coming in from Mom and Dad, as long as he keeps that job he’s holding down at the neighborhood Blockbuster.  Most of his money though comes in from the weed he sells on the side, primarily to rich high school kids and his dad’s golfing buddies.  When I’m not thinking about Future Buzz, I’m finding constant amusement in the perfect way the filmmakers have decorated Buzz’s room.  Of course he would have an Ice-T poster.

 “…get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead.”

“A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.”

Angels With Filthy Souls is the excellent title of the old gangster movie that Kevin manages to use twice with impeccable timing.  The scenes of this movie-within-a-movie are some of the more well-known parts of Home Alone, and even though they don’t make much sense when you think about it too hard, they provide some decent entertainment value.  The movie itself is a re-cut version of an old 1930s movie called Angels With Dirty Faces, and for reasons unbeknownst to anyone but him, Kevin decides that it would be perfect to use as a means to getting that lovely cheese pizza he craves so much.  (Again, the key is not to think too much into it.)  Kevin’s first victim with the devious video trick is the poor pizza guy, who probably got a little baked on his way over to a delivery that starts routine and then quickly turns into a full-blown panic attack.  Kevin’s dickish behavior to strangers pays off for him in the end, with the video cued up just in time to scare off Marv.  The lesson here for the kids in the audience was to always fuck with the pizza guy.

 “All the great ones leave their mark.  We’re the wet bandits.”

No discussion of Home Alone would be complete without bringing in the great Wet Bandits, Harry and Marv.  Where many other family holiday movies have simply settled with unfunny and cartoonish villains, Home Alone sets itself apart once again with the addition of the great Joe Pesci, and the very solid Daniel Stern.  Pesci seems to be having a great time with his character, and he and Stern do a good job of getting laughs without losing an edge and menace that keeps the movie grounded.  These are, after all, ex-convicts and petty thieves, and through all their bumbling and physical humor, it can be easy to forget how scared shitless the 8-year-old Kevin should be of these skeevers.  The scene in which the Bandits finally corner Kevin and prepare to hurt him is legitimately unnerving in its seriousness, even if it’s only for a fleeting moment.

“…the Silver Tuna.”

Harry coos the pet name for the McCallister house as he peers through a glittering kaleidoscope, and this brings up an underlying theme to Home Alone that plays a substantial role in the feel of the movie – the obvious wealth of the McAllisters.  The financial status of the family is displayed clearly by the amazing house that Kevin has all to himself, and is substantiated further by images of first-class flights to Paris and the sparing of no expense while traveling across the world.  The family’s wealthy status is obviously a plot point, in that it makes their home a target for the Wet Bandits.  But the most lasting impact that the McAllister’s wealth has on the film is the idealized setting that it allows for.  There is something comforting and idyllic about the McAllister mansion all dressed up for the holidays, and watching Kevin run wild throughout this miniature kingdom was something akin to a fantasy for kids in the audience.

 “I’m not afraid anymore.”

Kevin’s bold proclamation of fearlessness comes as he seeks to assume the new title of “Man of the House,” and it leads to arguably the funniest moment in the entire movie.  It’s definitely the best of the many reaction shots that Macauley makes his specialty.  You know the reaction shots I’m talking about – the wide eyed, jaw-dropped yells that are occasionally accompanied by clapping his hands to his cheeks.  This particular scene makes the best use of this reaction, as Kevin’s false bravado is instantly put to the test by the appearance of the South Bend Shovel Slayer, in all of his creepy old man glory.  Like pretty much any 8-year old kid on his own, Kevin immediately crumbles, and his face at that moment is the funniest image of sheer terror I’ve ever seen.  While there are other great ‘yelling reactions’ throughout the movie – Kevin frozen as the Bandits’ fan stops inches from his face, the failed aftershave experiment, etc. – this one will always be the greatest.

 “The Kenosha Kickers.”’

The trend of memorable supporting characters continues with the inclusion of the great John Candy, coming in at the end of the movie to provide some off-kilter humor in what could easily have been a forgettable bit role.  Candy is exactly what I would expect the leader of the Kenosha Kickers to look like, and Home Alone should be considered a solid and memorable part of his film legacy.  His short monologue in which he shares his own ‘home alone’ experience is probably the darkest part of the whole movie, but it’s also great comedy.

 “Hold out your little paw there.”

The meeting between Kevin and the faux-Santa is a good reflection of the balance that Home Alone finds between the fantastical depiction of Christmas and a more realistic approach.  As Kevin approaches the guy playing Santa in this scene, he appears as a fat schlub, grumbling about a parking ticket on his piece-of-shit car.  The audience, at least most of them over the age of 10, can laugh at this as another ironic scene that Home Alone pulls off well.  It becomes clear, however, that to Kevin this guy is someone who works for the real Santa, who very much exists, and who has control over such matters as whether or not the McAllister family comes back.  Home Alone owes a lot of its long-lasting appeal to its ability to toe the line between a skewed, adult perspective of the holidays, and an idealized, kid’s point of view, in which magical things (like your family disappearing) can and do happen.  John Hughes was smart enough not to take Christmas too seriously.

 “This is it.  Don’t get scared now.”

As a kid, I would get incredibly psyched up by the sequence of Kevin setting the traps in his house while “Carole of the Bells” chimes away on the soundtrack.  As a young kid, this really was the stuff you daydreamed about – some bad guys laying siege to your house, and it’s up to you to fight them off.  It only took a couple viewings of Home Alone before I was totally convinced that I too could set devious and deadly booby-traps all over my house.  While I would have to deal with the disappointment of never getting the chance to live out my dream of home defense, I was at least able to enjoy watching Pesci and Stern go all-out in their pursuit of slapstick greatness.  The ‘stunts’ portion of the movie is definitely much more entertaining when you’re a kid, but it’s a tribute to the Wet Bandits that watching them endure a veritable gauntlet of pain can still elicit a smile decades later.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to start the first Home Alone drinking game of the year.  Highly recommended, email for suggestions.  Happy Holidays, and keep the change you filthy animal.

Blitzed for the Holidays: Seasonal Employment

7 Dec

[Editor’s Note: This post continues our introspective series as we view Holiday events from the eyes and mouth of America’s truest patriot, Steed]

Seasonal Employment

“My two favorite holidays are Halloween and Christmas, for the usual reasons of role playing and peppermint schnapps. If you need work around these holidays and you are not afraid to get a little dirty, America has a lot to offer. Be that security, tending bar, or selling grass, I have done it all. Truth be told, my past is hazy and I’ll be the first to admit that my career record is less than sterling, greatly in part to the fine deputies of the Sheriffs Department.

Despite the firm hand of the law I do manage periodic weeks of steady employment. Usually, you can find me swooning livestock at Golden Eagle Ranch and around Christmas my brother Gert let’s me roll heads as a bouncer at his pawn shop. I use his shop as my bank as well, so it works out great for everyone involved. This year is no different, so ladies come on down to Gert R Pawned most weeknights from 10pm-4am, I look forward to seeing you.”

Blitzed for the Holidays: Christmas Trees

6 Dec

[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

Christmas Trees

“I decided to combine the start of the holidays and  the last regular season weekend of N C doublefuckingA Football last Saturday in to a great idea –  I brought the tailgate to the Christmas tree lot down the street.  Got the boys together, got some dogs and fresh ‘slaw, a keg of the Blue Ribbon, and a couple bottles of the Schlag [Ed.’s note: Goldschlager] to keep everyone warm.  Goal was to get out there around 9, get a good buzz going, and have a couple trees already picked out before the start of the early games.

We got there around 11, after a couple kick-off rounds of shots, and got all set up in a prime spot next to some big ole granddaddy Douglas Firs.  The grill had just gotten fired up when some dude called a “volunteer parent” came by and asked us not to drink on school property.  I told him to keep the kids out of this and I think he agreed at that point since he let us be.

The next hour or so is kind of touch-and-go, but I’m pretty sure we tossed the pigskin around a bit, got some of the shoppers to get a game of touch football together, and were having a pretty sweet fuckin’ time getting into the holiday spirit.  Too sweet, it seems, because the “volunteer parent” happened to “volunteer” info to the cops about our festivities and the next thing I know, I’m asking the officer if he can tie my tree to the top of his car, or could I do it for him.  We took a ride at that point, but I woke up Sunday morning with some great holiday pictures and the neighbor’s tree shining brightly in my living room, so I can’t much complain.  Pretty good start to a pretty sweet month.”

Blitzed for the Holidays: Christmas Music Review

5 Dec


[Editor’s Note:  The holiday season is rife with opportunities for joyful merriment and for some, that means overindulgence.  With that in mind, we have our resident Steed standing by for the rest of the month to tell us how he enjoys this wonderful time of the year]

Song : Santa Clause Is Coming To Town

Listening Mood: Liquor induced warmth

First Take: Replace “Santa Clause” with ” The Circus” and the song  only becomes slightly more creepy. A feel good jingle that surmises the epitome of childhood anticipation unlike any other.  Quite possibly the most famous biography of Saint Nick, this tune touches the voyeur in all of us, while somehow staying PG enough to be the most played Christmas song of all time.

“He sees you when your sleeping, he knows when you’re awake”